i shall not stop writing.

That was a short message I just sent out in facebook awhile ago.

The one said that I have a mid-facebook-life crisis, in that, I am acting as if someone who has a mid-life crisis... someone who's suddenly considering and thinking so much about something she has been doing all these while and questioning the reasons for it, even to the point of re-considering newer habits as I've lost faith in certain things due to stuff I've been receiving, reading or/and seeing.

All of a sudden, I feel that facebook is filled with pretentious people (moi included). You have friends whom you label as 'friends' yet some of them are privileged to view everything you put up about yourself while some of them are unable to view your wall, your full profile or your entire photo album. Heck, I am not just talking about others but I, too, have people whom I segregate to Family, Friends, Best Buddies, Blogger Friends and one particular group I named 'Questionable' who are unable to view my wall and can only read my notes without being able to comment on them because I don't fancy their views and not bothered about letting them know how I feel, yet I am unable to delete them off my Friends list because they are either family members, relatives or a friend whom I do not want to burn the bridges with.

So, that makes me pretentious too?

Heck, I am not a pretentious person because that is so not me. But circumstances in life sometimes forces you to be that way because you need to consider someone else's feelings... and while you do that, I feel some sort of insincerity... and being insincere tires me to the bones, being someone who thrives on principles.

Then, there are those whom I 'hide' on my Recent News wall. They are my friends, but I dislike reading their status because they would either create awkwardness to people reading their status or that they make my blood boil with never-ending stupid/rude comments on politics and personal stuff regarding their partners or their ex, giving out pathetic excuses to obtain constant attention and grabbing people to join them in easy money-making quests.

I know everyone's into facebook and I have to admit that it is a very good social and networking tool. In fact, I have been using facebook so actively because it is the only window to my networking and keeping-in-touch-with-friends ability. I stay at home all day. I work from home. I see no one at times. I go out only with my little jj and I only meet my family day in day out. Therefore, facebook is my only window to the outside world... I keep in touch very well on facebook... I get involved in many of what's happening to my friends through their status updates while I totally ignore other's updates whom I do not hide which I don't quite bother because I don't pretty much care about them but have nothing against them.

Previously, I would just delete people off my list especially those who dare request me to add them into my list of friends but never bothered to even write me a message and put in any efforts to keep in touch with a simple hi or how have you been or what have you been doing questions. But, I realised that many people get easily offended by that gesture of deletion and got me into thinking and re-considering my bold actions because there is nothing wrong about adding them and keeping them in my list as I could just easily segregate them into groups. Thus, allowing more control of what they can view and what they can't, until later on when we have more time to chat and they earn my trust.

Now, with 444 friends in my list and further editing controls to my privacy, I suddenly felt sick. Because I don't need over 400 friends and always worried who would misuse their access to my hoards of photographs. I mean, I never thought I even have 400 friends whom I can call, friends. So, yes, all of a sudden, I do feel sick with it. The pretentiousness.

I have been feeling this way since over a week ago when a sudden bout of low hit me. Could it be due to the age factor, coming to a certain phase in my life? I dunno...

I am lucky enough to just name a handful of friends whom I can depend on but 400?

I have a long lost friend who was so happy to see me again in facebook and we reminisced on old times and the things that I saw her went through... but when the time came to meet up, there were an endless bout of excuses of why she can't see me and that got to me... I mean, why bother.

Then, there were some people who were never even fond of me in Uni and were very clear with me on that then and all of a sudden expects me to add them into my circle of friends. Like, what the...

Do I really have 400 friends? And if you add someone, does that necessarily earn a friendship badge? And if you strike a friend off your list, does that make you both non-friends? Does it make you less of a friend or is that just plain normal and acceptable because in real life, we also unconsciously categorise our friends - with whom we trust more compared to the rest?

It's just that categorising subconsciously compared to putting it clearly online for the user makes it seem more pretentious. For me, at least.

So, like this is just a phase for me? Questioning all these. Does this mean I am going to move away slowly from my online presence there or will this be applied to everything else?

Why am I feeling this all of a sudden? Why am I suddenly affected by this?

Today has been a little frustrating... first of all, the internet connection sucked since morning.

We have been using Izzi broadband for more than 2 years totally hassle-free. Now, once we have renewed our 3rd year with them, the internet service seems to have dwindled away... we never got disconnected, ever, but recently it has been downright frustrating with its intermittent connection and worse still, we would always experience a no connection every time it rains. Like wth?

Then, there has been some lagging with my microsoft word application. It is original, mind you, and it happened once before... every time I make any amendments to a file I am working on, it immediately hangs and I am forced to quit the application. Today itself, I had to type one word and made sure I saved the file... saved the file every single time one word was typed so that when I force quit the application, the changes remain. Damn it!

Then, there was a power outage around 3.30pm just now due to heavy rain and I cringed at the thought of my computer not shutting down properly *urgghh*

After all these, and feeling so blardy irritated about the whole thing, I took a second look at myself and let out a deep breath, knowing very well that what I am facing is nothing compared to an ex-colleague who just lost his beloved wife early this morning. Though I hardly knew his wife, I felt a little disturbed by that piece of news because I can't help feeling very sad for their 2-year old daughter, who probably needs her more than ever at this very tender age.

Sometimes we all get so consumed by all these minute things happening in our lives that we forgot to say thanks to Him for this opportunity to live another day, to breathe in the beauty of life and share our happiness with those closest to us.

To Zul, I can never imagine how you must feel at the moment, but all I can say is for you to be strong for your little girl. Cherish what you still have and plan for what's best in the coming future. Al-fatihah to arwah Sheema.

Due to Toughcookie Thursdays, I have received much more enquiries than I had ever gotten... no longer are people sharing their views on matters of the heart or those pertaining to breastfeeding but I have also started to wear hats that say, "Information Counter", "Shopping Consultant" and recently, "Technical Consultant", among others hehe...

I had a long long day yesterday and was terribly lethargic in the evening. I think I may have over exert myself since I swam so diligently the night before but slept only after midnight as I was trying to finish up work and that swimming always gave me a boost of energy after a nice warm shower. Therefore, I guess I may have used up too much energy when I should have taken it slow and easy.

Woke up early yesterday to attend a cooking class I so wanted to go and I came home slumped. I'll write more of it later. Suffice to say that a rigorous swim after not exercising for 2 years plus being on my toes for 4-5 hours cooking, totally drained me, but in a good way.

So, for tomorrow, I shall be wearing a fake "Chef" hat for Toughcookie Thursdays which doesn't involve anything I learnt yesterday ;P

And tonight, I shall embark on my new fitness regime for the second time and I am so hoping that it'll stop raining (if it does) before 9pm *oh please please pretty please*

Made my way with my little tote (little jj, I mean) to Ikea over lunch today to meet a friend, Ros, who was showing me some stuff she was selling.

I had just added her in my fb friends list after meeting her while I visited a friend at the hospital. I've bumped into Ros a few times before but we never got to chat the way we did that day. So, after she had confirmed my request to add her, I went browsing away her fb page and discovered that she owns a blog selling authentic american brand goods.

Anyway, in my haste to get everything done in the morning - like feeding little jj, getting everyone ready, getting myself ready and sending the little munchkin to school, I reached Ikea only to realise that I forgot little jj's baby bag. And I hate when that happens!

See, it is a norm every time we leave the house - that I am usually busy with little jj and my eldest is entrusted with the responsibility to carry his little sister's baby bag. But I guess he had forgotten all about it this morning and since I was so engrossed with chasing after little jj before she gets into the elevator alone, I totally didn't see the lack of one more bag in my eldest's hands.

I was stumped when I couldn't find the bag. Because I had already reached my destination and I have parked the car. What made it worse was that I brought my little handbag instead of my usual large one that contains the entire house :( hehe... almost.

But, in a split second, I decided that I would just meet Ros and rush back home as soon as we're done. After all, I had given little jj milk just before we left the house, I had changed her diaper as well and the things I was worried about was her top getting dirty at lunch as I didn't have her bib, the absence of her favourite water tumbler and if she did a number 2 - which were all points that I deemed manageable, if they did occur.

Oh, but little jj gave me a pleasant surprise, though... she behaved so well and my concerns were unfounded. I placed her in the high chair at Ikea's cafe and she played on her own while I bought lunch. I know she likes fries and I ordered the famous Swedish Meatballs that comes with fries. For her drink, I got her the Spritzer Mineral Water and made sure I got a straw as well. When I got back to the table, she was all quiet minding her own business and Ros and another friend, Aje, were also surprised that little jj didn't cry for me. Wahhh... she's a big girl already *sob sob*

So, I had my meatballs and little jj ate away her fries while I chat away with Ros and Aje. In the middle of it, I fed her my meatballs and little jj truly loved it... so much so that she totally rejected the fries I gave her after that and only wanted the meatballs :) She was so full after the last piece of meatball and she then started to get cranky as she wanted to sleep. Thankfully, I was already done by then. All in all, I think I had a good 1 1/2 hours before I had to grant her my full attention.

Anyway, in the end, I didn't get anything from Ros although I initially thought I would get this sling bag from her. It looked really gorgeous to me but after I tried it on me, it didn't really complement me due to its relatively large size compared to my petite frame. The sling can be adjusted to a handbag but it defeats the purpose since I know I will never use it as a handbag.

Ros also brought other stuff like other types of bags, wallets and even a collared-T. I felt very tempted to get at least one other stuff from her but I realised that I cannot lose focus. I think I've been going on a shopping spree these couple of months and I think I should really stop doing that... I mean, I am worried of this inability to control myself where I cannot stop shopping, and always using the excuse that I haven't been shopping much for myself for the 18 months since little jj was born... that I wasn't able to do anything much until recently when she weaned off of me. There's really no end to shopping and the needs that I keep wanting to fulfill!

So... when I realised this particular factor just a couple of weeks ago, I started to see that having self-control is a form of self empowerment that can make you feel just as good.

Yes, you may be able to afford those things you buy but if you don't really need them in the first place, it may be wiser to keep your mind focused and move on to what's more important in life.

I think I sorta already filled that void I was feeling for the many things I had to sacrifice. I know you may think it isn't much but to those who know me well, and know how much I love the beautiful things in life like dressing up and taking care of my skin, visits to the hair salon and all things vain, the fact that I had pushed them all far back in order to tend to a very clingy baby (and also because money is better spent on the kids anyways), 18 months seem to be a huge achievement for me.

I had so much fun shopping the last couple of months and got plenty of new stuff since I saw my size [almost] returning to normal. I still can't fit into my old clothes and I am too small to fit in those large non-maternity attires I wore during my pregnancy... so you can imagine the many stuff I got to fill the void in my cupboard. But that need didn't go away and I kept going shopping, at times not even bothered about the price tags.

So, with the realisation that it's time to stop as I've enough new clothes, make up and skincare products to get by for another year (yeah yeah... we'll see), I am now keeping my mind focused on this promise I made to myself.

And... since that sling bag wasn't suited for vertically challenged moi, I guess I shouldn't let myself be tempted to spend on other stuff unnecessarily. Gosh... that felt good. I think! ;P

Now, over to more important matters... :)

I believe many bloggers are already aware about the recent development in the blogworld, particularly one that has escalated to a more serious note, involving legal procedures.

Having a blog does not give one the rights to write as he/she please. Yes, it is one's own blog and one feels they have the right to do whatever they wish as it is their own space but then again, one must realise that a blog can be read by the entire world, no matter where they are but most importantly, the world is already seemingly small and anyone can stumble upon your blog at any chance. Therefore, whatever you write may reach whomever anytime, anywhere.

These days, majority of bloggers incorporate their twitter account into their blogs and I think this is an even more powerful tool as one gets to communicate with their 'followers' and friends, still very visible to the entire world's population if one decides not to protect their tweets. Therefore, if you intend to gossip or tell a close friend, say, that you just fought with your husband, it is definitely not the most suitable platform unless you want your husband to read it and make the situation even worse.

Now, my point is, on the writing part. Most bloggers spill everything in their hearts into this small space because it is their space. But I think only a handful do not really spill everything when they're angry. Anger can be quite destructive because not only everyone else who doesn't know what's going on, will know the story eventually, but it also gives such a negative air/aura to your blog that not only you yourself will feel uncomfortable for letting such an entry linger at the top of your blog but readers mostly will also feel the same way. Furthermore, if indeed it was just a spur of the moment, the damage cannot be reversed. Fair and rational-minded readers would prefer not to know too much details if two individuals want to start a blog war, anyway..

Still, despite all that, I strongly feel that one is not able to control another person's feelings/response towards what you have done to them. I mean, if you can start calling people names, like "sundal", what makes you think that the other party cannot do the same. Of course, it is easier to tell the other party to not do anything and stoop as low as you but as I said, reflect on yourself first to understand why the other party does what he/she is doing. After all, we are in control of our own actions.

In the first place, one shouldn't be so unprofessional (if one says they're professional in the blogworld) and judge other people... I mean, why does one care so much if one blogger is so after freebies or that the person is an unemployed lazy bum? I for one do not care one bit as long as he/she doesn't come to me every other day, asking for money to support his/her lifestyle.

Well, I may not be fully aware of the entire truth but if it is out in a certain way in the blogworld, one just cannot blame other readers on their own opinions about the situation. That's why the best way is to keep mum and if it is just a small matter, let it be.

I always think that the best way to settle a dispute is to quickly apologise when one is wrong. The evidence speaks for itself. If you let the negative air continue to linger, you simply cannot blame the 'victim' to respond the way they do. What made you do what you did in the first place? Who are you to judge people? I mean, if one is so irritated or annoyed about what another blogger say about you, why don't you confront him/her instead of telling everyone in your blog/twitter space about that person, even months after? Why don't you just go to her or even tell her in an email that she blardy irritates you and you want an explanation to why he/she said what he/she said about you?

Respect is something earned not given. In order for people to give you that respect, you should respect others as well, no matter how popular you are or how much older you are. Name-calling is a no-no unless you are ready to face the consequences. I know I've done that once or twice the entire 5 years of blogging but I was very angry at the people I was aiming the entry at, but like I said, things will not happen the way they did if one is not provoked.

There's nothing wrong with being the bigger person, and I don't mean in body size. There's no need to be mean. Most importantly, there's no need to be so egoistic especially in the local blog scene because first of all, it is extremely small and secondly, if one is popular enough, there's no need to pay any attention to those small time individuals even if they are after freebies and being jobless. You can't please everyone and you cannot force every single people on earth to like you/like what you wear/like how you look. In the end, you know yourself and you are good in what you do... you have your family, and your family loves you... and friends will be there for you through thick and thin, not just because of what you can do for them.

That's what I think.

I've seen another child going in little jj's play class accompanied by a maid.

I dunno... seriously, what's the main objective for a parent to register their little babies to an early development class? For them to be independent? For them to acquire new skills? To stimulate their minds? All of the above?

But if a parent cannot put aside one hour quality time on a weekend that they've committed for the benefit of their own child, then I don't quite see the necessity of it since the child would just sit with the maid the way she's always comfortable with at home (possibly)... and the maid doesn't say a single thing because she either doesn't understand what's the reason for doing certain activities or because she's required to just keep silent since her voice is not counted for anyways.

Anyone would want a child, I guess. And it sounds better when telling people that their child is sent to an early development learning center. But you can't have it all, want it all yet not willing to sacrifice that small window. In the end, the result is similar to when the child first started the class... sit, stare and stay comfortable because the child simply refuse to participate and the maid is not able to do anything.

I guess we all want everything in life but at what expense? One simply need to prioritise. After all, having a child is never easy. No one ever said it was easy. You've been away most part of the week... what's an hour or two during the weekend class where the child could absorb skills and stimulation the most when you're around. If that's so difficult and your needs and popularity come first, then the end result lies in your hands.

I have viewed many videos of her but I find this truly engaging. Yes, I was one of those who were equally disturbed with the news of her passing... throughout my 10 years of work experience, I was lucky enough to be introduced to this much-admired personality - once in year 2000 when I was still a rookie in the advertising industry and another time, when she sang so beautifully in a dinner organised by Mercy Malaysia, probably 3 or 4 years ago. Despite all that, I never really had the chance to get to know her better personally but somehow, I did feel that tinge of sadness on the recent news of her passing.

So, I shall share with you this video a friend posted on facebook which really showed how smart and eloquent she truly was... and how positive she sounded about almost everything. It was recorded just a few days before she collapsed.

I was feeling a little sentimental tonight...

There was a show on NTV7 earlier today that featured David Foster and friends. A friend posted it on her facebook status and I realised how long it has been since I listened to his albums.

I loved David Foster. I loved his songs so much that I even bought an instrumental album by him, called, "Rechordings" where he played his piano in the entire album. It was truly beautiful and I could just sleep with his songs on my earphones after those long study sessions in uni.


I loved his songs so much that I even dedicated one special song that I thought said a lot about how the one meant to me, in my life, when we were dating.

But today, somehow, the mention of David Foster made me google another song, that have always touched my heart. It is called, "And when she danced". When I first heard it, I thought it was truly melodic. I didn't think of anything too special until I saw the movie, 'Stealing Home' on tv that starred a younger Jodie Foster and Mark Harmon, where this song was its theme song. That movie brought tears to my eyes and how the song sums up the story beautifully... I guess that is the beauty about songs from back then where lyrics were so beautifully written and considered the strength to a song.

If you have never heard it, listen to this...

i got this from youtube... this song is a duet by David Foster and Marilyn Martin.

Can you go back in time to a place in your mind
To the one who knew a part of you
That you just couldn't find

If you ask me to choose between a memory or two
When it's said and done
I'll take the one who's love I had to lose

Cause when she danced
I lost my inner sense
I loved her then I always will

She left with me
But still with me
A burnin' memory
She took with her a part of me

If I could get back where I've been
Feel the passion I felt then
I'd be there right now and yet somehow
It never comes again

She had nothin' to gain
No where to go
To the way out of pain
The time when
With a song and dance she lost romance
The world had gone insane

Cause when she danced
Cause when we danced
I lost my inner sense
I loved her then
I love
I always will
I always will

She left with me
He left with me
A burnin' memory
Remember somehow
She took with her a part of me

Can you go back in time to a place in your mind
To the one who knew a part of you
That you just couldn't find

Lookin' back I'm not sure
If I thought I lost the one
When she danced with me
Our hearts were free as far as I could see

I'd be there right now and yet somehow
It never comes again

When she danced with me
Our hearts were free
Were free
As far as I could see

Those days when I never really understood what love was really all about, I always believed that love needed sacrifices... that you would never end up with the person you are truly in love with. In other words, one will never get married to their soulmates.

I always believed that you need to feel hurt to learn how powerful and valuable, that thing called 'love'... that when you find it, you'd be so happy, yet you know that it is never really within your grasp.

One would always think that the best love they ever experienced is one that they never really had it in the first place and I was probably guilty, then, for letting myself think that. Well, I guess I was just making excuses so that I'd feel better about myself, about the person who got away or simply, about life. Everyone says that life is unfair but to me, I have always believed that life is beautiful... life is so extraordinary because it offers you an abundant of choices and you set your own destiny. It's like a huge canvas and you pick out the colours (your own colours) to complete that picture you set out to sketch.

Many people have asked me how love could be so complicated.

Before, I would probably agree that in order to earn something, you need to get down to sweat and tears in order to find happiness.

But...

After I found the one, I started to see things differently... all those bull about hurting yourself to find happiness, they're all a fiction of one's own imagination. It's like a prayer - that when you keep saying those chants, it will all come true.

Love shouldn't hurt. And love is not complicated. It is how you treat it and how you carry it about that shall turn it the way you believed it best. Yeah, you would have that occasional bumpy ride because nothing is that easy in life. But love shouldn't hurt, and love isn't complex... it is simple, it is easy, and it is free.

When you keep looking back at the one that got away, you're only living a dream... and most often than not, magnifying something that wasn't even truly there. Naturally, one only thinks of the good things until one realises that nothing's worth getting so hurt and worked up. It's easy to make up a dream but you'd never really know how it ends unless you experience it for yourself, first-hand.

At times, love is just there right under your nose but we, as humans, set some strange limitations to ourselves by putting set conditions on others. Thus, we miss the opportunity only because we make ourselves blinded by our own perception.

I dunno why I am blabbing about on this issue... guess it's been awhile since something like this touched my heart so deeply and how much I've changed from those days of listening to David Foster. Romantic songs always go hand-in-hand with romance... and it's been awhile since I listened to any good tunes.

I had a really good chat with a former classmate today.

We had wanted to meet since before I gave birth to little jj but you know how it is with us busy ladies, things never worked out and we’ve never really set any dates anyways.

The last time we met was in 1992 at a reunion some time after our SPM… at that time, we didn’t chat that much because we seemed to be different people, with moi not quite ‘grown up’ in character and outlook. Well, I had always been overly protected by my parents and though I could communicate okay with people, I didn’t have that much social skills then. The little things we chatted then left me in awe of her as the last time I chatted with her was when we were classmates in Form 3. She then pursued her studies to a prominent all-girls’ residential school and I thought she had somewhat appear more outgoing with such an attractive persona unlike moi who still looked very innocent and gullible at 17.

We kinda lost touch after that and you can trust on social networks like facebook to ‘bump’ into your old friends again.

We got connected, chatted and promised to meet up when the time comes. The best part was seeing something in her profile that touched my heart and I guess we connected at a higher level because of that.

It has been 9 months after I had delivered little jj and today was a day I wasn’t gonna miss… I had a sudden morning agenda that came up at the last minute and thanks to the one, I was able to make it to lunch today, to meet one gutsy lady who has gone thru so much for love.

You’d always think you’re so unfortunate when something happens to you and one day, you will open your eyes wide when you realise that what you went thru was really just less than 50% of what another person goes thru in his/her life.

We managed to only catch up for a good 2 hours and I felt guilty about it since she had taken a day off from work just so she could catch up with me properly… I sincerely thought I was able to hang out for at least 3-4 hours with her and walk around the Curve to do some ‘exercise’ in the mall (hehe…) but little jj has started her weird cries (the one where no one else can make her stop but moi) and all I could do was excuse myself but promised (with hopes) that the next time will be better… it was a case of gambling with situation – either I brought little jj with me and have her cranky after around 1-1 ½ hours or leave her with daddy and she might get cranky after 2 hours or hold on until after 4 hours. The first, could still be managed by feeding her and continuing with whatever I was doing if she decides to sleep; the latter, was tried and tested with her lasting around 4 hours with daddy.

There were so many things to catch up after 17 years! I felt like there were so many things that I discovered of her but once I got into my car, I realised that there were so much more I needed to ask her, so much more I needed to tell her, and so much more I needed to speak about with her… 2 hours was waaay too short.

The best part was finding out so many similarities we have and I felt really good after that meeting with her.

A lot of us has such rosy outlook on life.............. until life disappoints you.

Well, it’s not to say that life is unfair to you… it’s how you view life, that would make all the difference to your day, your weeks, your months, your years, etc.

We grew up with so much expectations in life – where when I look at myself before, I thought I’d grow up with a good career (well, that went through, actually) with a good family and a happy home. But when it didn’t go the way I had hoped in my first marriage, do I give up with life, blame everyone else for my misery or do I pick up the pieces and walk with stride?

I’ve always told the one that in this life we live where things are going at fast speed and all of us having so many things in our heads all the time, I have no time to read minds… if one expects something from another, I expect one to tell me about it straight to the face, with brutal honesty if they may.

Give and you will receive, they say… but do you realise that the ‘receive’ part may not necessarily be in material… it could be just a simple satisfaction in you from doing something totally with a sincere heart, not expecting anything in return.

Don’t ever assume as well… like when I told this friend of mine that I may be in the Curve by 12 noon since I would be doing some shopping for the little munchkin’s birthday this Sunday but had to sms her later last night that some things came up at the last minute and I may only be able to reach the Curve around 2pm instead. I don’t assume her to be a-okay with it since we’ve planned this for awhile and it can be a little of a turn-off for me to suddenly say I’ll be late.

I’m glad, though, that she was so understanding about it. Guess that understanding comes with whatever one goes thru in life as well… if things has always been so easy, rosy and simple, one may not really understand why certain things do not turn out the way one have hoped.

Assumptions is the root of all evil, says the superbitch I was working with a long time ago… a line where none of her ex-staff will ever forget. She taught us how one shouldn’t simply assume things and to always check and re-confirm for affirmation. Yeah… despite her being a superbitch, she did teach us some really good lessons on how not to take things for granted.

Expectations, is also another root of all evil, I must say… This, I am saying with the exclusion of those where we pay money for services like for instance, this Celcom Broadband account that the one had recently registered for… you pay for the registration and all, and will be given those details of what you can expect out of them. So, that is out of the question.

I am talking about giving/doing something sincerely from your heart yet expect something in return, without the other party even knowing about it. Pretty frustrating, don’t you think?

We are all adults and we have brains to think. Life, to me, is pretty simple – do unto others if you want others do unto you.

My principles in life is relatively simple… I want something, I tell the one what I expect for say, my birthday… or our anniversary, whatever. I hate guessing games, and I don’t expect him to read my mind, either. If I had overlooked something, it may have been done unintentionally from issues that arise unexpectedly. If I had done something on purpose, I am not afraid to admit it.

While managing a team in my former employment, I clearly inform the execs what I expect from them throughout the year - the projects and responsibilities they will be undertaking, and I hold their hands until I know I can let go off them and trust them totally. Well, not totally... but you get my drift. Then, the evaluation can be objective, fair and everyone should be happy about it. My former staff are still appreciative of what I had done for them and I am happy at how they have developed throughout the years.

It's the same concept in one's personal life.

Be fair to yourself and considerate of others.

Just because you have a sudden show of inferiority complex and high insecurities in you, do not, at any time, pull others with you.

Be fair to yourself and considerate of others.

I’ve been with someone who was highly insecure of himself. He pulled me down with him and I didn’t even notice it until the day I said goodbye to his mental and emotional torture. In the end, friends told me that they thought it was me who had the negative aura… no one saw it in him until he was on his own.

I know everybody’s got problems in life… it’s not that you can’t dwell on your insecurities and shortcomings… everyone needs that ‘mourning’ time… a time where you’d want to just be sad or lazy… but there will come a time when friends get tired of it and everyone needs to be with people with positive energy… one with a positive outlook in life – that no matter what comes, we’d do it together – with your loved ones holding your hands, and your friends to have your back. At all times.

When you expect something from someone, do tell it straight to their face… don’t expect to forward someone some comment forms at the office, assuming your friends will say only good things about you.

Don’t expect anything in return for that favour your volunteered to contribute because the other party could just be as calculative with whatever they’ve contributed in the past… any small things can seem so big by the individual. Sometimes it is just minute as compared to what the other party has done without asking for anything in return and such negative aura can be felt from miles away.

Be fair to yourself and considerate of others.

Sincerity should be treated with the strictest hint of caution. But as far as I am concerned, I do not have any agenda up my sleeves. And I am glad that the people surrounding me has such positive energy as well, so much so, that it made me feel so much better after everything.

Thanks, Mel, for such a good time. It’s wonderful to be in touch with you again and hoping that there’ll be more sessions…

P/S: I was surprised at winning a contest by MAS, but that will be an entry on its own. Soon, ya.

In between the madness and hecticness of everything that was happening at home, I managed to include personal interest into my limited 17-hour a day, to keep me happy and sane. So, apart from taking care of everything and juggling translation jobs every once in awhile, I have managed to sew a few baju kurungs for my nieces, my mom and meself. Yeay!

I love how beautiful something looks which you create from scratch. And when you really love doing something, you'd maintain such clear focus in wanting to make it look perfect. I even threw in additional FOC beadwork for my mom as my fingers felt gatal and managed to create a very simple motif on her sleeves. Since she dons the tudung, there is little need to embellish the neckline as it won't be visible when she wears it. Little jj also loves looking at me sew as she was probably so intrigued with what I was doing - picking up little beads and all.

simple beadwork for mummy dearest.

And although I hardly wear baju kurung, I couldn't resist this one type of material that is usually used to make cheongsams. I saw somebody wearing a baju kurung with this material and I thought it looked really classy. So, one fine day while I was busy looking for Thai Silk, I saw this material (which I really do not know what it is called) and instantly felt that I should turn it into a baju kurung just to see how it looks on me. It is completed but madame's now fuller figure didn't quite give this slightly thicker material that classy finish as imagined earlier :(

How do I make the most of my chubby-ness? I mean, I have seen many slightly-heavier women who look really good with what they wear, even if their top or skirts cling to their skin. Is it the confidence and personality that shine thru them or is it due to the right outfits? I seriously do not know because at the moment, most of what I wear are from my pregnancy collection.

Hey... I only weigh 55kilos but with my really tiny stature, of a height that's only 5', 55 kilos does look hefty. And many friends telling me how 'fat' I am especially since madame was always so 'halus'. 

I need to lose 10 kilos for my ideal weight but since madame is not doing anything to lose that weight, why does madame complain and worry so much, right? ;P But madame does want to improve madame's look by knowing what to wear and what kind of outfits suit madame best. 

Anyways, as of Wednesday, 25 February 2009, my loyal and trusting Fruit, the 2005 ibook G4 has given up on me and I haven't yet decided if I'd want it repaired or to scout for something new ;D

hmmm... could it be because of those tiny fingers thumping on its

keyboard??... nope. don't think so...

Right now, I am updating from a 20" inch iMac that doesn't belong to me and the one and I were contemplating if we'd get another laptop or a desktop from Mac since this desktop is oh so lovely... simply gorgeous!

Meanwhile, I'll be busy for the next 10 days or so, translating and editing a book. Cheerios.

So... I received this in my mail today... as a good Toyota Merit member, I was offered 3 vouchers for RM1,000 discount for Camry, Fortuner & Wish, RM800 discount for an Altis, Innova or Rush and RM500 discount for Avanza, Vios and Hilux. Apparently, it is offered to me and my immediate family members.

Little did they know that I've let go of my Molly months ago when we've decided that I'm staying home and don't think I would live 'comfortably' with a Molly and new baby in tow. Furthermore, I was able to become a Merit member because the former company I was working with had paid for all the maintenance and the monthly instalments. So, it was easy breezy then.

I've come across many clever marketing strategy as this, with many sounding as fake, as this too hehe. Well, I guess the voucher would be handy if any of my immediate family member would want to get a Toyota. And I guess they are less fake as the vouchers are valid til end of the year.

Anyway, talking about marketing strategy, I think another one that sounds really fake is Hong Leong Bank. They already sent me 2 mailers to spend around RM4k every month for 3 months, all in order to get a free luggage bag or something for free. The thing is, if I can spend RM4k a month every month, don't you think I can buy one on my own? I could even just spend that few hundred bucks on a luggage instead of spending a total of RM12k for 3 months!

Recently, they sent another mailer asking me to spend more in order to win other stuff.

I think they should hire a new set of marketing staff for their marketing department. They should all in fact, hold other credit cards especially Citibank or say, CIMB, and such, so that they are aware of the other many more subtle marketing strategies. When I saw their mailer, they all go straight into the bin. They sound so fake and very insincere... not something that they should reward their loyal customers with.

To be fair to Toyota, I think their marketing bit is wonderful, on a whole. My brother owns a Honda but they don't get all these 'personalised' stuff. Since I own that piece of Altis 2 years ago, there were so many privileges offered. Even simple things like inserts into duit raya envelopes before raya and personalised post-it notes on my birthday are stuff that binds brand loyalty. What made me sayang Toyota so much is the very efficient support service for emergency situations like if you meet with an accident or your battery suddenly go dead. The operator gives you very useful tips and advise and will always call you back when they say they would. The maintenance guy will come promptly and calls you direct. Very assuring service.

Unfortunately, when I let go of my Molly for a comfy SAHM life, the Rush is too much for a SAHM and a Vios is waaay too small for a soccer mom. But, the one and I have agreed that the next time we buy a car, we'd definitely get a Toyota simply because they have such an original way of thanking their loyal customers and they set such high standards that goes along well will their reknowned reputation.

In other developments, brand-loyalty wise, we have also switched from using Buds to Johnson's & Johnson's for little jj. We were told during our ante-natal classes of the benefits of using Buds as opposed to other baby products for the early stages of a baby's growth, simply because of their safe ingredients (no mineral oil, sans parabens and stuff). But it gets a little too frustrating since a couple of months ago when they seem to show so many distribution problems maybe... or that they have not managed their inventory efficiently. We are always out of her body lotion or diaper cream and that sucks. Recently, even the body wash seem to be out of stock every where we go - the many Mothercare outlets, Mamours, and even those baby shops in 1U. So, since little jj is coming into her 6th month this month, we would like to believe that her skin is already pretty strong and it wouldn't hurt to use J&J, a brand name that has been with us since we were babies... I mean, as long as I don't use their Baby Oil that contains mineral oil, I should think we'd all be fine.

So, last weekend when I was in the baby section of Jusco, I went bonkers on the many scents and types of product on one range. I mean, she's becoming like mommy now, with different moisturisers for different time of day - she's using the original pink lotion during the day and the night time moisturiser after her evening sponge. And I love, I love, I soo love the night time powder as well. The smell is so amazingly relaxing and I really think the product works since she'd always want to go to sleep immediately after we prep her up after that evening sponging.

I especially love her smell after we layer her with minyak telon and the bedtime powder. She smells so heavenly, errr except when you smell the back of her head... she still has that musty baby smell. Hehe.

See, even the famous minyak telon can be found almost everywhere. The thing is with wanting to be a good brand, Buds should also reconsider their distribution channels and a more effective way of managing their inventory. A loyal customer can easily get frustrated especially since there are many other good brands out there with the many range offered.

Urrghh... I gotta cook lunch already.

So… the new year is coming near. Rather than post on resolutions for 2009, I’d rather reflect on the highlights and observations in 2008.

The highlight of my life in 2008 must definitely be the birth of little jj and especially grateful that I’ve managed to go thru childbirth all natural, without drugs and a supportive husband next to me thru it all, witnessing the arrival of a healthy baby girl.

As a wife, I believe I’ve evolved much but hope I’d not lose my old self. You know how it is when a woman evolves too much into ‘motherhood’ and all, leaving the husband missing that old part of her which he fell for in the first place. I have to admit there’s not much of me old self left… I’ve not regained my pre-pregnancy figure… and my face is not as smooth as before since I’ve missed about a year of facials… I can’t fit into those tight-fitting clothes I used to put on me before and I don’t dress up the way I did – high heels and all… my hair’s all plain black as opposed to those reddish brown hues and neatly-trimmed locks…

What’s still not changed is the love I have for my husband and family. In fact, it has gotten stronger… I still have the same drive to survive in life and earning my way, not just 100% dependant on my other half… I still have that sense of humour and I guess I’ve been picking up more responsibilities and handling them as a grown woman would.

I've improved in the cooking department and taking care of a little baby without help can be pretty challenging. So I guess, I lost some part of my old self and replace it with something crucially necessary in this phase I'm in.

I hope I have fulfilled much of what my husband expects out of me. I know I am no perfect woman but I try to be the best I could. And hoping that this wonderful bond that we have will last a lifetime, with many many more sweet memories to be etched together.

As a daughter, being away from my parents meant appreciating them more. I think I treat my mom better now and vice versa. Not that our relationship was so bad before but you know how it is when we have differing views made of the fact that we’re a generation apart. Of course, also because a mother loves her children so much that they'd want things to be done their way since that showed success...

Having a son-in-law my parents approve makes it even better. Sometimes, the one’s words bring more value when they come from him instead of me.

As a mom, I’ve grown so much. It helps much more that life is so much stable now, and the little munchkin having a father figure. Things are falling into place although there is still plenty that can be done with the little munchkin’s dyslexia. But, at least we’re doing all we can as a family.

Little jj has developed so well now that she’s into her 5th month. That also meant a full 5 months of exclusive breastfeeding and waking up constantly for her night feeds. Today, we realised that she has recognised her name when we called her. Before, when we thought she did already recognise her name, we were proven wrong when she also looked at us when we called other names. But today, even when we called other names, she only responded to Jada Kyra. It was such a beautiful sight.

As a daughter-in-law, I hope I’ve done alright. It is never easy pleasing your in-laws but to be honest, the one’s parents may be godsend. I have seen other friends with equally supportive and caring in-laws and I am glad that I have one too. There’s nothing much that I need to worry besides taking care of their son and their grandchild, and be a good wife.

As a friend, I’ve managed to make some ties stronger while I grow far apart from others. Still, my friends always know that they can talk to me and that I’d always make an effort to keep in touch where it matters most, if not at least thru ‘poking’ each other in facebook.

I am not sure if I’ve been a good friend this year since I don’t think I’ve done anything much for my friends except be a good listener to those truly close to me. When you think of it, everyone is getting busier and some would forget to keep in touch. As a friend, you’d only want to be understanding and know that the friendship is always there… you’d always pick up where you left off and at least have each other read each other’s blogs to stay in touch with what’s happening. The, when you contact each other, you know how much your friends actually care for you as they know what you’ve been up to and know that you’re alright.

I’ve read many blogs reflect on their friendship this year and surprised to note of the many bad experiences with friendship in 2008. That reminds me of someone close to me and the friendship lost just recently.

Sometimes, when you keep telling yourself you’ve done this and that for a friend, you forget to see what your friend has done in return. It might not be similar but for a calculative friend, nothing would come close to the comparison one makes about one’s contributions and efforts. When you cry as a victim, sometimes, people see the other side of you – all whiney and expectations that a friend will have your back at all times. Little did one realise how selfish he sounds and in return destroys a good friendship by completely failing to see and understand of a friend’s commitment to his family.

Finger pointing and the blame game are always the easiest way to want out and one fails to see how stupid one is to throw away such strong friendship all because one is selfish and blind, exhuming himself with points only about him. The thing is, the world doesn’t only revolve around one person and if one is not happy about his friend, he should talk about it to that friend – not whine over and over again about the same thing to his former girlfriend, his other friends, and even that friend’s sister. You just can’t expect your friend’s time all the time because people have lives to live. Live with it and understand that you don’t own your friends.

Some people, ‘K’, for example, could go thru life being oblivious about a lot of things but that does not make him a bad person and that doesn’t make him care less about the people he appreciates, ‘A’, included. Sometimes though, when this happens to K and him regretting not caring more for A or meeting A’s expectations, things suddenly turn around with people actually supporting K more than A, who suddenly seems all whiney. As it turned out, A wasn’t looking for a girlfriend or a close friend – he was in fact, searching for a replacement for that void he himself created for K, who wasn’t aware of this strong possessive need and addiction of a friend.

A friend shouldn’t expect one to put their needs above others because not only is that selfish, it is unfair if that friend is not aware of the expectations. A friendship is also nothing like a marriage… when one gets married, it’s only natural that their partner falls much further up in his priority list… and if one is not married, one cannot ever comprehend what it is like to be married and the commitment that comes with it. Whatever it is, no one has ever said the friend is never welcomed into his home. So, what’s the point of blaming? Just because K could do so much things with A when they were much younger, life evolves so much and brings different values and beliefs in those different facets of his life. One cannot expect a friend to not evolve into a better man.

Especially when you’re a grown man, others would expect you to act as one. Playing the blame game is so not mature and whining things about your best friend to others – some who may have not even met that friend of yours does not reflect you, in particular, YOU, as a good friend. Good friends do not draw up stories and tell everyone else but the person in subject, and good friends do not try to screw up the relationship by trying to have a relationship with his best friend’s sisters when he knows well that that is not acceptable, as already made clear very much earlier. A good friend would surely understand respect.

Friendship can be a mean thing actually, as you can choose whom you want as friends. Therefore, if things do not work, we can all move on without regrets. So when one reflects so much about what one didn’t do for the other, one should look into the mirror ask himself if that is true. As for the friend who’s been blabbed so much about, I believe that sincerity goes a long way because people could see that and not much explanation is needed to see the truth. It’s too bad that things turned out that way but nothing is loss and more room now to gain.

Well, that was just my take on the entire drama. I, for one, am glad that 2008 came and (almost) went with such beauty. Maybe, 2009 will be just as eventful and colourful.

I haven’t thought of any resolutions cos I don’t think I have any bad habits that I’d want to lay off. I’ll just probably continue to support my husband and family in any way I can and continue to be a good wife and mother. I may want to get more jobs to supplement our income but I wouldn’t want anything that would get in the way with my responsibilities as a housewife.

Oh, I probably would want to lose weight but since I’ve never really worked hard to earn the figure I previously had, I don’t know how I’d do it now to get that figure back. I hope the one would be patient with that and continue to cherish the love we have.

Here’s to a more colourful 2009, filled with love, good health and happiness…

See, I dunno how many times I’ve written that answering phone calls have not really been my priority since the birth of little jj.

Sure, I’ll answer the phone… but only if they’re calls from the one or my parents… or clients I’m doing work for. Still, there are times when their calls are unanswered especially when one – I’m nursing little jj; or two – I’m doing house chores such as cooking or doing the laundry, etc; or three – I didn’t hear the phone ring since it is always on a volume so low so that little jj won’t be accidentally awaken from her slumber.

I just cannot chat on the phone during office hours (when the one’s not at home) because there are just tonnes of things to be done (when you're at work and I'm at home) and I simply cannot afford to wake little jj if she hears me talking on the phone. Even if she’s awake and I chat on the phone, I can’t focus on the chat since her voice will drown whomever’s voice on the other line… hey, she’s just too cute and adorable okay… you can’t blame me for not being able to resist her charms and give her all the attention ;P


Sure I’ll return your call but only when I am able to… and I’d definitely reply your sms. If it’s really important, I will return call as soon as I can.

The thing about phone calls or smses, and as I always tell the one, that nothing could be THAT urgent and important. I mean, can’t one just wait until one is done with parking the car or having dinner with the family before one answers a call or replies to text messages? I know I know… I used to reply to smses while driving but after awhile (could also be the age factor), I realised that nothing is that important (well, except if your CEO or President give you a call la when you’re working).

Hmmm… I’m sorry if I sound a little arrogant but you just have to know how not easy it is to tend to a baby without any help at home, alone.

You have the baby as your priority as she’s not able to understand anything. And since she’s now able to rollover on her own, it is even more critical for you to not lose sight of her not even for 2 seconds. I’m not complaining, just merely trying to make those who do not understand, understand.

Nursing the baby is another thing as those relaxing hormone start to consume me that all I want to do is relax… but I can’t cos I got tonnes of things to do like preparing my lunch, doing dishes, laundry, folding clothes and all those booooring sorts that no one else would want to do. And since I'm at home, I'd like to now iron the one's shirts since he usually do them when I was working.

Then, you’d want to sleep when the baby’s asleep because that’s what they usually advise mommies with babies but I can count how many times since the last 4 months that I could do that because when she’s awake, I can’t do many things that I’d like to do – like trimming my eye-brows or waxing my legs (no, I don't do them everyday!) or simply be lazy on the couch watching TV non-stop. I'd like to read and do my sewing and all but I feel that 24 hours is just no enough. Hey… I got to have me-time too you know… when at most times, my antenna would be running active listening to the baby move or the baby waking up or the baby starting to cry, etc.

Yeah, it is easy for some to tell me not to spoil the baby. But helloo… she is after all, a baby. What does she know? As long as she does not yet understand the word, 'No', or 'Stop', she has the right as a baby to get as much assurance, security and attention she needs. And I, as a mommy, who chose too have a baby should take that responsibility the best I can. No one said having a baby is easy peasy and they’re not kidding. We have been practising restraints on her but nothing really firm… not until she’s at least 6 months, as advised by many pros on handling babies.

Juggling time is no mean feat. I don’t have deadlines that run for weeks. My deadlines are all immediately or 4 hours, at the max (that will be diaper changing!). If I want a happy baby, which automatically translates to a happy me, this is how I am managing my daily chores. Itu pun, nak makan pun kadang-kadang not easy okay. I need to have a fulfilling meal every time as I transfer those vitamins, minerals and fat to my baby. But as it is, I would usually be able to cook up a good meal but eating time has always been a rush since little jj always seem to know when to wake up from her morning nap – when mommy is having lunch. And, as we all in the family know, she’d wake up when she’s hungry. So… milk, milk, milk urgently.

Sometimes, I’d feel really low as tiredness gets to me and I feel unappreciated. It’s not that I am not appreciated… it’s just one of those days when the feeling just suddenly appears. I think many SAHMs can relate to this – when you feel that you’re always taking care of everyone but no one’s really taking care of you… that you need that nice spa treatment but you can’t because you just can’t get off… or that you need that trip to the hair salon but you’re putting it off since the baby’s needs need to be met. And you could never really rest until probably an hour before midnight because that is when everything is really done at home and you just want to go to bed.

You can have the best hubby around but you’d still be plagued with that feeling. It’s not that time of the month but a common thing I guess when you’re always at home not thinking much about yourself.

So naturally, I’d want me-time. And I don’t want to be asked what’s up cos I could only tell you that hey, I’m watching TV and will be nursing the baby soon and I can’t talk… or that hey, I just finished nursing the baby and she’s now asleep so I gotta start preparing my lunch or that hey, I’m doing good, everything’s fine, nothing new.

I’ve never been a chatter anyway… so no, I’m not dodging calls. If you want to chat, call me after 9pm because the one will be available to help with the little one and we’d be done with dinner. But you never would call at night, right… because it is your time with your family – your dinner and quality time. So, you get where I’m coming from, right?

When you’re working, it’s nice to take a break, putting off paperwork for 10 minutes or so chatting with friends. For me, my ‘taking a break’ would be, quiet time. Ultimate silence and peace.

So if I don’t answer, I’ll call you back… just not immediately. And I'm not being difficult... just a little understanding would help.

The one prefers it if I could give birth today itself so that the baby’s date of birth will be 06.07.08 and he would very much like it if I could deliver the baby in Negeri Sembilan so that her identity card number will be 080706-05-XXXX. Smart, huh?

Baby's stuff are also quite complete (of course, gifts of any kind are so much welcomed!!) hehe... we're getting the baby bath tub from my dear friend, Niza... gorgeous Nicole is getting us toiletries from Buds... we're persuading the one's brother to get little jj the Fisher-Price rocking chair-cum-bouncer (hehe...) and we've told many people not to get us bottles. Based on experience, I guess we know we'll get clothes and toiletries for the baby and so, we've bought a small number of baby clothes only.

The emergency bag is already packed although we have yet to put it in the trunk. And I guess, we're all set. InsyaAllah...

One morning after waking up from sleep, I was telling the one how this one song has been playing on and on in my head... it was Jordin Sparks 'No Air' duet with Chris Brown. He asked me how the song went and I don't quite remember the lyrics except for the catchy 'No air, no air' tune and told him what the song was all about. He asked me, "What? That's how the song goes??"... he apparently thought the 'No air no air' part wasn't catchy at all or that the part where the girl couldn't live/breathe without the partner was crappy lyrics.

From then on, when we're in the car, instead of tuning in to my favourite radio station which usually plays songs of the 80's and 90's to Hitz.fm or Fly.fm just so we could catch the song on air. Unfortunately, my efforts were in vain since the drive from home to the lrt is only about 10 minutes. Still, he couldn't understand what the fuss is all about...

When we went for our treasure hunt, his best friend, Muz sang that catchy tune and I quickly pointed out that see... even Muz knows the line! He asked the same question - is that how the song goes??

I guess when his brother came over last weekend and sang the same line in the car, he probably thought it was time for him to find out how the song went. So, over the weekend, he actually googled it and managed to view the video clip on his E90. Omg... the song sounds just so good.

Since then, he played it before he goes to work, while taking a shower after coming home from work, and whenever. Hehe... yes, I created a monster.

And now he's created the tune as the ringing tone whenever I'd call him. I told you it's catchy!

Anyways, I've been busy for awhile. And with the impending arrival of little jj and a possibility of working from home, we've both restructured our financials and without regrets, I've traded-in Molly for a much cheaper MPV which I've named her, Kimora. Hehe. What a name. As I am not that of a sentimental type of person, letting go was easy and in comes a 'soccer-mom' ride which is very spacious and one that I can live with for a long time. I'm just not sure how long I'd be able to keep this plan but I have announced to my contacts that I am back to freelance copywriting and translation, with another different project still on tow. I believe that our monthly finances is workable with less stress on my part and I am very excited at the possibility of looking after little jj. The plan is still not final but we shall see. Whatever it is, the priority is my family and with the much frustration I have with the government, the high tax that I've been paying with not much benefit seen from it, I believe I'd like to make a difference with myself and the family instead of working my ass off making others look good while they treat you however they wish.

There's just so much I want to say with our current quality of life especially after such a sudden announcement on the hike in fuel prices which they initially said would take effect August this year. But like many would say, if you're not happy with the current administration, go migrate somewhere else. True.

I'm just so disappointed that me and so many of us have been paying so much on taxes that goes to not only their fat pay-checks but also allowances and yet we are all forking so much for their benefit only to see their focus stray on projects that do not benefit the rakyat directly. Why don't they forgo their allowance and pay for fuel from their own pay because serving the rakyat is one of their responsibilities. Of course, their defensive stance will always be - this is the lowest cost compared to other countries in Asia. Seriously, I am disappointed. Why don't they re-look at all the 'corridors' project and instead of having them all at one go, to have them one-by-one. I mean, those projects didn't even win majority votes for them in the last election. Is that what the rakyat need right now?

I can go on and on about this but it may get me into trouble. Suffice to say, I am trying to make a change in my life for the benefit of my own family and I truly hope that it'll go my way, if not immediate, soon.

I am just so glad that I have such a supportive partner who's behind me all the way and trusts my judgement... he's also not afraid to warn me of what to expect and what I'd be heading. Well, being independent for so long and making life-altering decisions are those that I've been used to... I probably have to sacrifice a few things but life is all about sacrifices anyway... you get some, you lose some. As long as I don't have to be a hypocrite, I am happy. But yeah... I am also happy because I have him. There's no one else I could think of who'd come close to the one... he's everything I wanted... he's everything I need.

Oh, on another note, a close gal-pal of mine whom I have not seen in awhile came over to see me this evening. We were updating each other of what's happening in our lives when she then told me of this 'friend' I used to know who's in a middle of a divorce or had been divorced. I was stunned cos I thought both him and his wife deserved each other, both being hypocrites and blood-sucking beings. I know it's bad to have satisfaction over something tragic happening to someone but I can't help it. I remembered how I thought both of them were priceless friends and how I had pooled together so many friends so that we could buy them a very expensive wedding gift until they stabbed me so deep in the back and clearly showed me what they were worthy of. I thought I was so good at reading people and that these kind of beings only pass my way in their early 20's but I was so wrong... I guess immature and shallow-natured creatures exist no matter how old they are.

With this outcome, I can't say I am totally glad because that sounds bad. But I am no hypocrite and so I don't care how that sounds. What he did to me may not be so bad as to what he's going thru now but I know that I wasn't the only friend he betrayed. This proves how much what goes around comes around.


*****
updated 20 minutes later: yes, my husband is a crazy monster hehe... he just called me thru google talk when he could just come over from the living room to our 'office' where I am working...

no air no air....