i shall not stop writing.

my inspiration for this entry ;)

It's 11.15pm when I started typing this and am just dreading the moment, if, in case little jj does a number on me the way she did late last night.

Ok, I must say that she has expanded her vocabulary awfully quick. Although most of the time she would talk gibberish, there would be times when we are all surprised by the words that came out of her without us pushing her to repeat after us.

Like the other day, she held her precious giraffe toy and said, "biraffe"...

Then she pointed out a photo of shoes and boots in her counting & colours book and said, "syuuu"...

And she loves to pick up coins from our room or her brother's room and would hand them over to me. Usually, I would say thank you to her but the other day, she said, "kangkoo" before handing over the coins ;)

Yesterday, she saw the birth of a baby giraffe on Animal Planet and said, "goat!" haha...

And we recently saw her acting on her curiosity at mommy's beloved kitchen. Being a toddler, she's a naturally curious munchkin. But, I had always been able to manage that curiosity because she would hear me say, "No", and be very obedient not to touch stuff in the kitchen. Even when I leave a cupboard open, she would just look at the cookwares and plates and stuff and not touch them... until very recently, though. It helped that our kitchen cabinets do not have knobs on them. As it is pretty difficult to open them, she had only learnt the tricks to that and only recently started to rummage through everything. Yup, that she recently did.

Being her mom and knowing her baby's character to the T, I wondered when she'd start getting sick. You know how it is with some beliefs that when a baby starts to acquire certain skills, she'd be down with fever? I remembered when she started to count 1-10 out loud months ago and said few things like 'abang' and 'atuk' and 'nenek' and 'cupcakes' and 'chicken' and stuff, she fell ill right after :D but that was expected because I did read somewhere on the net that a baby's brain can only absorb an X amount of info and too much info all at once can be pretty overwhelming for them.

So, with this belief and an anticipation to be prepared for another bout of fever especially since she's been sneezing a lot too, I got disturbed when she kept crying at many intervals last night although she has turned in by 10pm. It was after midnight when she cried non-stop and though I would like to just ignore it since daddy can manage, I was worried that she actually had developed a temperature.

I was glad, though, that I checked in on her because the top part of her pyjamas was wet from her tears and I definitely didn't want her to catch cold since she sleeps in an air-conditioned room. Changed her into another pair of pyjamas and held her tight while I lay on my back on the sofa in the living room.

Now, this is another new habit she has... she loves to just lie on her tummy while she's either on her daddy, her abang or moi... only the three of us. It's as if she misses hearing the sound of the heartbeat that when she's cranky, she'd instantly become calm when she lies on us that way.

She held me tight as if not wanting me to leave her (since I don't sleep with her anymore) and I actually thought she would fall asleep soon after. To my surprise, she lifted her head and said, "kih kih kih muahh muaahh" while she kissed my face repeatedly hehe...

So, from around 1 am til probably 4.30am, I was with her (while I fell asleep on and off) watching episodes of Chuggington, and Handy Manny... and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, where by this time, she was already on her feet and jumping to the tunes... and Special Agent OSO, and so on. At one point, I actually thought she went into our room because I could hear her say, "beat beat beat", where she would tap on us if she wants to wake someone up hehe... but I later realised that she actually went to her abang's room to get him to play with her. Abang, of course, was snoring heavily as we all had a looooong day yesterday, walking around in Ikea and then picking up daddy before we headed over to Giant's to get diapers.

Oh ya, the one woke up for awhile to accompany us at the living room during all these. In fact, at first I thought he woke up to switch to the sports channel but I guess he was tired as well and went back into the room soon after.

Around 4.30am when I could see little jj being fidgety, I reckon that I should push her to sleep and the only way to do it (when mommy has to put her to sleep in the room) was to offer her my boobies. Yup, although she has weaned off me completely, she still haven't got the hang of no boobies to sleep when she's laid to sleep in the room.... only with mommy, and only when she's in the room. So, by the time she had totally fell asleep was about an hour later.

Damn it was a truly tiring night for me and I was glad that today was a pretty calm day... The best part of it was that little jj fell asleep very easily for her afternoon nap and that lasted a good 3 hours of peace and serenity ;)

As a mom, I am of course extremely happy to see how cute she's become and how much she has developed so far... we are all adjusting to her new habits and even bought a gate for our kitchen. Yup, my fault that I had asked the contractor to remove the door to our kitchen because I felt that it wasn't necessary but then again, I wouldn't feel safe to not know what's happening inside the house if I were to cook with the door closed. So, we're only starting to install the gate.

Her latest habits make her feel so precious to me and I love that bond of holding her tight and keeping her secure. It can be daunting at times when she needs me to be near her almost all the time and it can be pretty tiring when she starts to get very demanding but most of the time, and hearing her talk, I feel so damn proud of her.

I count my blessings and am truly grateful for everything in my life.

Ok... it is already after midnight and I have a feeling she wouldn't be pulling that same stint tonight *cross my fingers*

Owh, it's a Friday already! Shall I plan for a day out to KLCC tomorrow (I mean, today)?? *wink*

little jj did this with my phone for the first time ever...

Oh, I am telling you, it feels great to be able to do something good for yourself... and that doesn't involve a big hole in your pocket. Well, a small teensy weensy damage but nothing worrying ;)

See, I've been wanting to go back swimming for the longest time. The last time I swam was when little jj was about 8 months in my tummy. I was heavy but I floated gracefully ;P

I've always believed in the power of swimming. It must be my best strength training yet because firstly, I never could commit going to the gym regularly. The most was 2 months straight and after that, I kept paying the monthly fees without even showing my face at the gym. Secondly, I just hate the stress of looking for parking and now that there are much more commitments at home, I don't think I have the time. Thirdly, you practically do not sweat from swimming and you can even run in the pool where the heavy load of water makes it a perfect resistance to your movements, making you use most part of your muscles. And when you're tired, you could just lie on your back and float in the pool, with the calming sound of water around you. It's so relaxing.

The best part about staying in a condo is the ability to use the swimming pool. I have always loved the water... since young I always had an ambition to be like our then national swimmer, Nurul Huda Abdullah, who kept winning golds in SEA Games and all. I swam so much that my shoulders became much broader than normal girls my height. But, that ambition became just a dream as I wasn't as fast as most people in swimming. But swimming has always been a part of my life and I just cannot look at a swimming pool without the urge of jumping into it ;P

I haven't been swimming since the baby was born partly because I had difficulties to handle the demands of a breastfeeding baby and loads of work day and night. Partly too because I had body issues... I was still on the chubby side and didn't feel all that comfortable with the way I looked. Of course, these things come in a phase and I managed to get out of it after about a year as little jj drank less from me and my appetite started to be more manageable as I become less hungry. Still, I have always dreamt of getting back into shape and there are no better shortcuts (and cheaper too!) than to swim. I figured out, even with work to be done at night, I could slot in swimming for at least an hour every alternate days so that I have more energy after the exercise and that no one will see my bulges/stretch marks at night. Haha but as usual, there are those excuses after excuses especially since the pool at our condo is ice cold at night.

But but but... seeing another friend my age all geared up to lead a healthier lifestyle (and to obtain a leaner body), I suddenly felt so motivated to actually get off my butt instead of complain and feel bad about myself. I mean, you can't keep on blaming the entire world on your issues and there are things that you need to take control because they are all under your control, really.

I digress.

Yesterday, I put on my old swimming gear that I haven't worn in years and it was so difficult to get in and out of it. But I persevered. I needed to swim.

I got out of the apartment, went downstairs and headed to the pool when I realised it was pouring. Heavy rain, in fact. Damn... it was already so difficult to fight with the inner voice inside my head as it kept telling me to rest at home... that I had so much work to do... and that I could just swim the next day but I fought hard with it... and was totally frustrated at the outcome. It was too dangerous to swim and I did not want to get sick. I guess that is a legal excuse, isn't it?

So worried that it would put off this spirit in me, I kept thinking about Dilla who's on her way to a better self and off I went to get a new bathing suit which I got for only RM58 after a 50% discount. I thought that was a real good sign for me and there I was, happily swimming away after I had cooked dinner for my angels and fed little jj her dinner.

At first I only did half a lap... and then 1 lap non-stop at the swimming pool that's probably half the size of an olympic pool. I then did 2 laps non-stop, enjoyed the peace and serenity and then surprised myself with a possible 7 laps non-stop for 20 minutes (I lost count on how many laps I actually did). I did a relaxingly slow front crawl all the way so that I didn't use too much of my energy and I forced myself to stop so that I didn't over exert myself as I had plenty of things to do tomorrow... can't afford any cramps in my muscles.

After I was done, I went back upstairs and made sure to take some photos of those flabs to see how far I'd go from tonight.

We shall see...

I guess it all takes some little courage to just get up and go do what you've always known you had to do. Once you have gone past that hurdle, it would give you enough strength to keep going, InsyaAllah...

Thanks, Dilla... you don't know what a big influence you had on me.

It has been a very tiring day today (Saturday)... all of us in the family had quite a full day, starting as early as 7.45am til almost 10pm just now and this toughcookie fell asleep unintentionally only to be sharply awaken by little jj who badly needed the attention from someone. Well, my 13-year old was busy on the net while daddy was engrossed with his PS3 and I guess the only fair thing to do was to wake mommy up as mommy will do anything to keep her happy.

I woke up, gave her the much deserved attention and passed her back to daddy while I finally get to do laundry at such a late hour. In a situation like this, we all do what we have to do, don't we?

Anyways, this got me to thinking about Mothers' Day tomorrow (or today, rather, as this post was drafted just before midnight prior to Mothers' Day). Now, whomever says that mommies are allowed the same benefit as those in employment during Labour Day? Which mommy can tell me if they really are granted an off day, like totally, 100% - no cleaning, no cooking, no tending to any members of the family, nothing... anyone?

It's never easy being a mom, and it is even more difficult to be a good mom....

A good mom doesn't just deliver a baby into the world and raise the baby up hoping that they'd be a successful person automatically... a good mom does much more beyond taking care of their kids. A good mom tends to the family, put everyone else's needs before hers, raise her children up well to be a human of strong character, tell them frankly if they have made a mistake so that they would be a better person and be sure to support them in times of need. A good mom would not be afraid to let her kids know who's boss yet allow her kids to develop into who they want to be even with some pressure put on them because she has experienced it all before and does not wish to have her kids go through life's tough lesson the hard way.

I am not sure how good of a mom I've been so far... but I do know that I've worked very hard to support my family even during those 7 years of life as a single mom, raising a child with ADHD and Dyslexia, so that I could afford the therapy bills and additional classes for my growing child's needs. I would so want to be a good mom but seeing how different my 13-year old is now that he's in a stage where his friends seem to be more important than family, I would want to learn how other moms with grown up sons handle their teenage needs and how tough it is to want to be firm and tough without putting too much pressure on them.

It's never an easy task being a parent, not just for a mom. But since I am on the topic of Mothers' Day, allow me to just indulge in my emotional rush via this form of expression that I know best - writing.

I think I started to fully appreciate my mom as my mom when I got my first child. I suddenly realised the sacrifices that she had to go through, especially having us kids who didn't necessarily made her entirely happy. Yes, she has her weaknesses where our personality clashes like nobody's business and yes, we had our heated moments back then. Heck, there were too many disagreements especially on my way of life, the decisions that I made and so forth that made our relationship a little tense at one point in time, but I've realised that she has not been a mother who's not good.

Having a teenage child and one baby who clings on me constantly, I realised that my mom, despite whatever situation we're in, would always not fail to remind me that she's my mother, so that I will never lose ground.

I realised that despite whatever challenges that went her way, she would never lose sight of her children, bring us all back into what's real, nags all she wants if she feels she needs to, make us hate being in that situation if the situation calls for it yet at the end of the day, we all know that all was done because of her love for her children and her children are hers for an entire lifetime. No mother would want their kids to suffer through life yet no good mothers would want their kids to not learn their lessons after a bad fall, either.

It's never easy being a mother, as I have recently realised after some bouts of crisis, and even harder being a good mother.

A good mother does not need to be afraid to correct the wrong yet admit that she has made a mistake, and lower her ego all in the name of love. A good mother doesn't protect her kids who have done grave mistakes while she reprimands those who truly love her, who does whatever it takes for her and constantly thinks only of her feelings. I mean, what good does it do to mistreat the better children only to protect those bad apples because a good mom would know that that will never solve the problem, and the individual will never learn her lesson.

A good mother doesn't go against her word just for her convenience but demonstrate equal respect to all her kids because she knows that respect is earned and that she would want her kids to respect and love her, not only because it's her rights as a mom.

A good mother is able to tolerate life's challenges because she, of all people, would understand more about life while her kids are still only less than half of her age, who still needs time to learn while they tread the rough pathways of life and that they need all the guidance they can get unconditionally, not being treated second class just because they are willing to put up with everything in order to learn and be a better person.

Yes, it is hard being a mother, and more so, being a good mother.

I am still learning especially in this recent development dealing with a growing boy-turning-into-a- young man who sometimes rebel and unsure of what he needs to do or where he should step. A good mother will not let her child get lost and bring him back with proper guidance.

As much as I had so much resentments with how my mother handled me before - of how overly protective she was of me in my teenage years, so much so that I couldn't even go out with my friends until I've completed my SPM exams... I couldn't understand why I needed to be chauffeured driven everywhere I went and why I was constantly reminded to take good care of myself, as if I didn't already know of that particular fact.

The truth is, as much as it sounded really irritating - of her repeating to me constantly to take good care of myself, I guess I now am so thankful for that constant nagging as I now know that she loves me that much to be so worried of me and afraid that I'd lose myself in the beauty of life as a grown lady.

Mak, is a conservative woman who didn't bother much about being a friend to her daughter because she felt that discipline and doing everything proper, according to her style was the way to raise her children. It was a stressful life being a teenager under her roof and I never understood her style fully.

Now that I am a mother myself, I am exhumed with total relief that she raised me the way she did as all her qualities of a good mom suddenly became so clear to me...

Yes, being a good mom is not very easy but that her ways of raising her children made us who we are today, prevented us from making any irreversible life mistakes that could ruin our future but most of all, ensuring that her kids do not take her for granted. She's firm and she's an even tougher cookie compared to me but after 34 years of my life, I suddenly realised that she had at least tried to be a good mom. No matter how difficult her children once thought life was under her roof, we all could now safely testify that after having kids of our own, and going through life one day at a time, we are truly grateful to be born in that family and to have her as our mother.

She is a remarkable mother and I deem her, a good mother.

It ain't easy being a good mother, but she has been one damn good mother.

There is no need to pretend in our family and there isn't any need to be manipulative to get what we want. Everything is done in a straight-forward manner and honesty becomes a very important factor for the family to remain strong albeit with the many weaknesses.

Now that I have kids of my own, I would like to take all the positive things that she's taught us. I vow to never lose sight of what's important for my kids that whatever I do or the decisions that I make for them (while they are under this same roof or not), will be for their benefit in the long run. I know I would need to be strong to face resistance from my kids if they find it hard to understand why I do the things I do because I know, 10-20 years down the road, they will be in my shoes now, looking back and realising that yes... it is difficult being a mom, but mommy was definitely a good mom.

Happy Mothers' Day.

There are 2 questions that I shall answer today at one go as they're similar in nature.

Question from Mel: Care to share ur action plan (on weaning baby off bm)? Start from 'A' please... Am up to my eyeballs with it oredi and trying to wean b4 Shifa turns 3 in another 3 mths.

Question from Natni: I'm slowly weaning him off... so far mcm ok, but he refuses formula... and bottle... nak minum pakai straw or the tumbler with straw tu. Dunno why he doesn't like bottle and formula. Now i'm giving him the flavoured dutch lady (the grape one)... and we call it "cow" since ada gambar cow on the bottle... hahaha! What formula are you giving her? Maybe I can try and see if Danial suka ke tak. At the moment, Danial kinda like the grape flavoured drink (but tak suka the rest like the strawberry/orange/tutti frutti) only at the moment.

First of all, I would like to say, kudos to moms who breastfeed. It can be difficult enough for moms at home let alone those who have to work in an office and find time to express milk.

I think many of us moms have always been informed on the benefits of breastfeeding. There are so many sites that promote breastfeeding but there are only a handful who would give you a proper guidance on weaning off babies from breastfeeding.

I dislike general statements like, "Oh, they'll wean off when you start having your menses" or "They'll wean off eventually" and stuff like that. I've tried many tricks from the numerous advise I got but none worked on little jj. And looking at the many emails I received over the last 12 months from breastfeeding moms (the majority of them who are working), they cite that weaning off is harder than they thought. I am grateful, though, that little jj is weaning off on her own but not without any efforts put in by the one and I.

I really believe that breastfeeding moms need a very supportive husband. This is so important because the baby would cling on only mommy and not daddy. Your husband must not give up on the baby and you as a mom, must also play your part in allowing trust (and space!) for your husband to deal with the baby. I find that many of us women would prefer the easy way out and deal with the baby alone without considering what our other half feels and what they can contribute in this relationship if only they are given a chance. Well, I can only say this on dads who prefer to participate actively in bringing up their kids, though...

So, what we did was to persuade little jj to drink formula almost every night after she turned one. The one would prepare it in all sorts of containers and mugs, using bottle and straw - we've tried it all. It is well known that breastfed babies prefer the straw rather than drink from the bottle (just as Natni cited her Danial's preference) and I think Natni should continue feeding him his favourite flavoured milk since Danial is ok with that. Hopefully, he'll graduate to those milk more suitable for his age group sooner or later, slowly but surely.

After little jj turned 1, the one consistently gave her the formula and let her drink it. Of course, she would reject every single bottle/mugs/etc. every night but we persevered. Yes, we would waste plenty of milk because she would probably only take one or two gulps and she'd push away the bottle/containers. But, through that pattern, we identified the types of formula that she'd drink more and the types that she'd totally reject.

Through this step, we discovered that she wouldn't immediately reject Pediasure Chocolate flavour. So, we bought the smallest size and as every other night, the one would make one small bottle using just one scoop and we'd let her hold the bottle.

One fine day probably almost 2 months ago, upon waking up from sleep, she played with the bottle from the night before (I fell asleep and forgot to wash the bottle) and somehow the motherly instincts in me told me that I should do up a fresh bottle for her. I made 2 scoops of milk, and let her hold it. She played with the bottle, swayed it around and before we knew it, she took out the cap and drank it all in while standing up, watching Playhouse Disney! Oh my, I was damn proud of her...

Now, little jj only drank 2 bottles a day, day and night with 2 scoops of Pediasure while the rest of the time, she was breastfed. After 2 weeks, she drank 3 scoops, 3 times a day and still breastfed before bedtime. After a month, we could already feed her formula when we're out shopping or even after her classes at Kizsports. So, no more breastfeeding in public. By now, she no longer clings on to me or hung on to me when she's bored or tired. I think this is such a healthy development as her self-confidence increased and she would explore everything else at her gym class without constantly looking over her shoulders and storms at me for comfort.

By one month of this development, I took another step by trying out an advise I got from an acquaintance who's daughter is little jj's classmate at Kizsports. Now this may sound too radical but I did it for little jj's benefit.

Apparently, this is a sure win as the mom is separated from her baby at every bedtime. Only bedtime. Now this is when your very supportive husband plays his role to the max as the baby would at first cry for mommy. The thing is with babies, they're smart fellas. They know when you'll melt and how they can win everyone's attention with their cuteness and blaring volume. But one just have to persevere. After all, she's well fed at dinner and she's drank a bottle of milk after dinner... after a month of only breastfeeding once a day I could see that she only needed comfort sucking in order to sleep, and not really a drink.

Therefore, the one would get ready a large bottle of plain water for her to drink when she needs that comfort sucking and I will not sleep with her in the same room so that she will not smell the scent of milk on me. Daddy would just let her cry, soothe her and give her the confidence that daddy is there with her even if mommy is not and she would eventually fall asleep. This needs to be done repeatedly.

So far, it has been working well for us all and the one is tremendously happy too because little jj now clings on him even more. For me, I am very happy because she sleeps through the night! :D

I am not sure if this will work on Mel's Shifa who's reaching 3 years soon because she is considered a big girl already and probably could tell the difference between formula and mommy's milk but I know this may benefit Danial. Still, it wouldn't hurt to try. Even if your husband cannot help you in this department, you could always rely on a trusted family member to sleep with Shifa just to separate her from you at bedtime.

As for Natni, little jj's paed also told us to try that - giving milk from milk cartons but we weren't successful. As long as Danial's ok with that, I think you could give him that comfort in knowing that he's doing alright. After awhile, you probably would want to try taking out the contents out of the milk carton into his favourite tumbler or even the milk bottle if you like. I guess once he's able to understand his environment, he may be more accepting to your ideas instead of you having to adhere to his. But I guess that's the beauty about having a baby... it's for us parents to realise how difficult it is for our parents to take care of us when we were younger, for us to be more humble in discovering that there are so many other things in life that brings us joy (other than material stuff) and the ability to be patient and deal with our situation accordingly.

I hope you find this very helpful especially to those of you who have exhausted everything else in the process of weaning their babies off breastmilk.

Come share your views.

Made my way with my little tote (little jj, I mean) to Ikea over lunch today to meet a friend, Ros, who was showing me some stuff she was selling.

I had just added her in my fb friends list after meeting her while I visited a friend at the hospital. I've bumped into Ros a few times before but we never got to chat the way we did that day. So, after she had confirmed my request to add her, I went browsing away her fb page and discovered that she owns a blog selling authentic american brand goods.

Anyway, in my haste to get everything done in the morning - like feeding little jj, getting everyone ready, getting myself ready and sending the little munchkin to school, I reached Ikea only to realise that I forgot little jj's baby bag. And I hate when that happens!

See, it is a norm every time we leave the house - that I am usually busy with little jj and my eldest is entrusted with the responsibility to carry his little sister's baby bag. But I guess he had forgotten all about it this morning and since I was so engrossed with chasing after little jj before she gets into the elevator alone, I totally didn't see the lack of one more bag in my eldest's hands.

I was stumped when I couldn't find the bag. Because I had already reached my destination and I have parked the car. What made it worse was that I brought my little handbag instead of my usual large one that contains the entire house :( hehe... almost.

But, in a split second, I decided that I would just meet Ros and rush back home as soon as we're done. After all, I had given little jj milk just before we left the house, I had changed her diaper as well and the things I was worried about was her top getting dirty at lunch as I didn't have her bib, the absence of her favourite water tumbler and if she did a number 2 - which were all points that I deemed manageable, if they did occur.

Oh, but little jj gave me a pleasant surprise, though... she behaved so well and my concerns were unfounded. I placed her in the high chair at Ikea's cafe and she played on her own while I bought lunch. I know she likes fries and I ordered the famous Swedish Meatballs that comes with fries. For her drink, I got her the Spritzer Mineral Water and made sure I got a straw as well. When I got back to the table, she was all quiet minding her own business and Ros and another friend, Aje, were also surprised that little jj didn't cry for me. Wahhh... she's a big girl already *sob sob*

So, I had my meatballs and little jj ate away her fries while I chat away with Ros and Aje. In the middle of it, I fed her my meatballs and little jj truly loved it... so much so that she totally rejected the fries I gave her after that and only wanted the meatballs :) She was so full after the last piece of meatball and she then started to get cranky as she wanted to sleep. Thankfully, I was already done by then. All in all, I think I had a good 1 1/2 hours before I had to grant her my full attention.

Anyway, in the end, I didn't get anything from Ros although I initially thought I would get this sling bag from her. It looked really gorgeous to me but after I tried it on me, it didn't really complement me due to its relatively large size compared to my petite frame. The sling can be adjusted to a handbag but it defeats the purpose since I know I will never use it as a handbag.

Ros also brought other stuff like other types of bags, wallets and even a collared-T. I felt very tempted to get at least one other stuff from her but I realised that I cannot lose focus. I think I've been going on a shopping spree these couple of months and I think I should really stop doing that... I mean, I am worried of this inability to control myself where I cannot stop shopping, and always using the excuse that I haven't been shopping much for myself for the 18 months since little jj was born... that I wasn't able to do anything much until recently when she weaned off of me. There's really no end to shopping and the needs that I keep wanting to fulfill!

So... when I realised this particular factor just a couple of weeks ago, I started to see that having self-control is a form of self empowerment that can make you feel just as good.

Yes, you may be able to afford those things you buy but if you don't really need them in the first place, it may be wiser to keep your mind focused and move on to what's more important in life.

I think I sorta already filled that void I was feeling for the many things I had to sacrifice. I know you may think it isn't much but to those who know me well, and know how much I love the beautiful things in life like dressing up and taking care of my skin, visits to the hair salon and all things vain, the fact that I had pushed them all far back in order to tend to a very clingy baby (and also because money is better spent on the kids anyways), 18 months seem to be a huge achievement for me.

I had so much fun shopping the last couple of months and got plenty of new stuff since I saw my size [almost] returning to normal. I still can't fit into my old clothes and I am too small to fit in those large non-maternity attires I wore during my pregnancy... so you can imagine the many stuff I got to fill the void in my cupboard. But that need didn't go away and I kept going shopping, at times not even bothered about the price tags.

So, with the realisation that it's time to stop as I've enough new clothes, make up and skincare products to get by for another year (yeah yeah... we'll see), I am now keeping my mind focused on this promise I made to myself.

And... since that sling bag wasn't suited for vertically challenged moi, I guess I shouldn't let myself be tempted to spend on other stuff unnecessarily. Gosh... that felt good. I think! ;P

Now, over to more important matters... :)

I received so many enquiries on what happened to the date I had with the one and I regret not being able to write sooner due to moi being tied up with work again and staring at the computer screen for any longer hours even to update the blog makes me nauseous ;P

I must say that we both had a blast. We had an awesome time together. Well, I guess we always had so much fun together except that these past years, most of our conversation always focused on what our children did, what they did not do, what they need, what they don't, well... you get my drift.

This time, thanks to one very useful advise from a friend, we refrained from talking about our kids during the short date and it felt almost like we were out on our first date.

I guess it felt that way for a fact that firstly, I have lost those few kilos (finally!) after more than a year, and... last Friday was the first time that I really dressed to kill for the date. So much so, that I did take the one's breath away hehe... this is not a perasan statement okeh, cos you can also read it here...

Well, I have never worn boots in any of our dates before though I am a fan of boots. And, knowing that the one does have his preference of what kind of clothes he likes me in, I decided to dress waaaay different than what he may think I would wear. The element of surprise is always a risk - you may strike the right chords yet it can even get disastrous. I am so glad, though, that my touch with fashion is still there although I did think I was a little 'over-doing' it - wearing a new pink top I've never worn, with a skirt that I haven't worn in years, paired with that long boots I bought on our UK trip a year back. He has never seen me in that combination and I was afraid that it may be a little too much for a Monday night hehe....

I started preparing so early, even. I went through my wardrobe as early as 3pm and I felt butterflies in my tummy. I got so darn excited that I hoped the one was feeling the same way. After all, we have not gone out alone together since the last 2 years and I was hoping that things will turn out really well.

Little jj didn't quite help as she didn't nap until half an hour before I was to drop her off at nenek's. And we all know that if she didn't get at least half an hour of sleep, she'd be a tough baby to handle. But I wasn't gonna be late since I would need to go through rush hour traffic into KL. Plus, little jj needs time to warm up at nenek's before I could leave her and I had to remain calm so that she couldn't sense any tension... I mean, babies could sense these kind of negative energy and they'd get tensed as well.

So, while she cried from the lack of sleep and was making it a little difficult for me, her favourite baby biscuits kept her happy... she munched on them while watching tv and my mom distracted her before I could leave silently.

When I reached Pavilion KL, I felt so many stares on me. I don't know if it was the outfit or whether my skirt was pulled up and people saw my underwear hehe... I had to look at my reflection many times in order to feel assured that I look normal...

It’s no joke. Some would complain after they complete their confinement period for the lack of privacy and inability to go on romantic dates alone with their husbands. For me and the one, it is probably 2 years since our last alone time together.

I guess it all lies in the fact that I was misinformed about some of the facts on the benefits of breastfeeding. And since I have been working from home, I have been always available and present at little jj's beck and call. That contributed to her totally rejecting milk in bottles and it caused her to be totally dependent and overly clingy on me.

It all got to quite a critical stage where I couldn’t have my proper rest and the one couldn’t even touch her, let alone contribute to any fatherly efforts like tucking her to bed. It would have been a very stressful situation if not for a very supportive husband and I guess he also appreciated the fact that he didn’t have to wake up for the night feeds at all (eheh!).

We had our ‘trial’ date during the one’s annual dinner when little jj was around 8 months old. I did an ‘induction course’ for her to get more familiar with atuk and nenek and in turn, like them. But you know, the fact that she didn’t even want anyone else to hold her then except for when daddy bathed her, I kind of expected that my dinner with him would be a short one.

We had the whole troop in our apartment (I was supposed to send her to atuk’s house but she cried non-stop there!) – atuk, nenek, abang, even her favourite cousins, Qilah and Nina, to play with her, entertain her and keep her occupied, while I quietly left the apartment and headed towards KL. The one was already waiting for me at the hotel and we had such a wonderful time chatting over cocktail. It felt like we were dating those years before being married. We talked the way we haven’t been able to since the arrival of little jj and we laughed the way we haven’t laughed, since little jj came into the world (I mean, laughing freely without having to control our volume...) ;)

As you can read here, I got a call around 9.30pm or so, just after we had dinner and I could clearly hear little jj’s loud cry in the background. Yes, she would do that even to daddy, then. My mom was terribly worried because it has been an hour since she didn’t stop crying and especially because little jj broke in heavy sweats that she wanted to take little jj to the clinic (hiks)! I told her that there’s nothing to worry about because yes, she sweats when she cries her lungs out and I got ready to leave the hotel. The one continued to stay on and told me to drive safely.

When I arrived half an hour later speeding my way through KL traffic, she was still crying out loud. I expected her to fall asleep while crying but apparently, she had waited for me to come home. Imagine to our amusement, she stopped immediately when she saw me home and she was laughing and playing about, all looking okay like nothing was wrong hehe…

So, yeah, that trial date totally didn’t work out the way we had hoped. And from then on, we never tried until end of last month when the one’s annual dinner made its way again. This time, little jj was around 20 months old and she has made plenty of positive progress because firstly, she has learnt to socialise from those weekly classes at Kizsports and secondly, she had just started to openly accept milk in the bottle. And that second point helped immensely when I was at my busiest that month, and having to attend meetings at night as frequent as three times a week. In those busy-ness, I was impressed at her confidence that she didn’t even seem to miss my absence when I once arrived home after 11pm.

I guess all that, plus the almost daily trips to nenek and atuk’s house after picking abang up from school, made her feel right at home there. Although she still needs time to warm up before atuk and nenek could even hug or kiss her, she no longer cried there and that gave me a chance to leave her with nenek when those rare need arise for me to attend serious meetings during the day.

But but but… the test would be the 2nd annual dinner that I would be attending with the one and we were both worried. She has never been without her mommy and daddy at night and I cringed to think what other tricks she has up her sleeves. I treat everything as sensitive so that the night could be a perfect one for us… and we were so happy to note that she totally passed the acid test! We arrived to pick her up around 11pm and she didn’t even cry. The entire house was dark because nenek wanted her to sleep but she went to doing her own stuff there and hugged me tight in joy when she saw me. Of course with mommy at her side, she didn’t feel that she needed to be friendly with atuk and nenek anymore ;P

Now, my mom had always made it clear to us (her children) that she never had any desires to take care of her grandchildren (especially babies) and that we were all responsible for our own children. But I guess, since she saw how much effort I put in raising little jj all on my own, and the fact that this little one is hard to please, it was probably a great sense of achievement for her when little jj accepts her and allows nenek to feed her/play with her. Of course, as always, I wouldn’t want to take advantage of my mom's willingness to babysit and that 2nd dinner we attended was cut short in order for us to next time ask for this kind of favour from her when we feel the need to have ‘alone’ time together.

As little jj has always been pretty unpredictable, I am again, keeping my fingers crossed for tomorrow… as we both will embark on our FIRST date after around 2 YEARS! Unfortunately, since it is a school day for our little munchkin, we may not be able to stretch tomorrow’s date for too many activities… so, we’re only making time for a romantic night at the movies where I am sure, dinner is included in the pitch darkness of the cinema. But that is romantic too, right? Hehe…

We used to catch a movie every other week those days but I am glad that we’re both not too demanding with the expectations that everything should be the same as it was before. Raising a family needs some sacrifices and what do you know… the time has finally came for us to finally go out again together.

Life always works its way to your advantage but you just wouldn’t know when that will happen. So, despite everything, I am glad that we're both extremely patient with little jj's quirks for us to appreciate what we could do again, tomorrow. So here’s hoping for more positive developments from now on, eh ☺

Do wish us luck, and for little jj to behave well with atuk & nenek, ya.

When Friday comes, I would always get super duper excited about little jj's kiddy-gym session for the next morning... I mean, compared to the super timid, super unacceptance of unfamiliar people (including atuk & nenek!), uber princess-ey to the point of being too cautious to even step down a 1" split level that she was before, the classes at Kizsports and the wonderful teachers there helped transformed her into a more boisterous toddler who's so open to try out new things. Yes, she's still not very friendly to people she doesn't see every day but at least she's more daring. I especially love the new things and new habits that she's developed that makes everyday such a sweet sweet day that comes and goes waaay too fast.

And although she is super unfriendly to her nenek and atuk, their undying love and unwavering efforts to win her heart have seen positive results... well, at least when mama is not around ;P

Those cute cute gestures in the way she warms our heart and her cheekiness in making sure we'll melt upon seeing her laugh and talk nonsense, had thwarted the one in his steps earlier this morning. He was almost ready for work when little jj got out of bed, stretched her hands up to reach out for daddy, so that daddy would pick her up and hold her for as long as possible. And for that, little jj made daddy stay home today to spend as much quality time with her because she is so irresistible in our eyes and to appreciate all the little gestures that she's displaying.

Anyways, things have been going on pretty swell for us so far. For me, work has been continuous. It was a mad mad dash for tight multiple deadlines especially when I missed 2 days when we got the baby that we were supposed to adopt. I had spent a little too much time with the preparations for the arrival of the baby, like making up the new room and picking up those involved that I actually risked my work reputation. But I guess as they say, with faith, good things'll happen and I thank god for protecting me... it was a strange coincidence that the client fell sick and later on was too busy to check the documents that were given to me that they actually gave me a one week extension for that particular project.

But... when one project gets delayed, all the other stuff gets affected by the domino effect.

Still, all are manageable and eventually, things are getting back to normal. In fact, in between getting things done this week, I had managed to slot in two needle work for 2 separate attires that I am wearing to 2 different events... I managed to spruce up a dress I got for the one's salsa-themed dinner by adding bits of sequins and beads just to make the dress a little more elegant under ballroom lights and I am still not done with the beadwork for a kebaya that I'll be wearing as emcee for an event early April.

With all these juggling things around, I received a call from a headhunter on Wednesday who asked me whether I'd like to return to the corporate world. Now this is a question that I've always dread to answer, simply because I have never really been that firm in my future plans. All I know is that my earlier intention when little jj was born, was for me to take a 6 months break. However, the 6 months have stretched to almost 2 years now and I am not sure why I should be looking back.

With whatever that I have been doing, I am happy to note that I have been re-acquainted with a treasured friend, whom I thought I have lost contact so long ago, due to some stuff that were happening in her life. Although I never really know the truth of the situation, I know she always have this special spot in my heart and I am glad that business has re-connected us. The fact that I'm on my own allows me to think out of the box, without much constraints and I am free to explore opportunities and get in touch with many wonderful people.

I am happy where I am now. I have the flexibility to work at my own pace while at the same time able to look after my children on my own... I know where the eldest is, I could send him to school and pick him up from school... I know what my kids are eating and I could add in activities with them in between. But... there's this space inside of me that's still opening that gate of possibilities to be attached back to the corporate world although ironically, when given that opportunity a few months ago, I backed out at the last minute as I was sure that I was shown 'signs' against it. Now, why am I still having that gate open?

I guess when I think long and hard about this, I am probably leaving my options open only because we humans are never really satisfied with our achievements... "the grass is greener on the other side", they say and it probably looks so glamourous to be known in the industry. But the truth is, I believe I really already have a firm answer, although I am finding it hard to tell people that I do not wish to go back to the jungle. Never say never, they say.

So, yeah. That's it.

And in all good things that's happening within the week, it is quite a relief to finally get news of payment for services rendered more than 6 months ago. In this business, you would come across parties like this but for this job, the depth of work involved and the fact that the business relationship was built on a long-term friendship, it was pretty disappointing to note that the other party was manipulating my considerate nature.

In this case, I think I don't agree with the saying that goes something like you need to see good things in people for people to see goodness in you because life doesn't always work that way. Firstly, the other party may not use their 'coconut' like you do and secondly, you would easily get taken advantage of. Yes, it is nice to only see the positive side of things but to what extent?

I find that many people (or at least, a handful of people around me) are prone to amnesia. Within the last few weeks, I was unfortunate to come across these people who easily forget what they promised earlier and how they beg in order to get help in the first place. I mean, when one is desperate, it is so easy to promise things and it is so easy for people to say things according to what they think you want to hear. It is such a surprise that these people do not have conscience nor guilt only to cover up their arse.

To me, I say, be frank in the first place so that things can be ironed out the simplest way possible for the best outcome. But I guess in business, you'd have to be shrewd to be successful. Whatever. My motto is - simple, honest and straightforward. I may not get super duper rich in a short amount of time because of this motto but hey... I am an easy to please person.

It is alarming to note that I have to beg for money owed to me although everything was already agreed in the first place and the payment has been long overdue. But, since I pride myself to be able to detect liars, I sensed some irregularities in the correspondences for the last 3-4 months and am truly grateful to the Almighty for leading me to another party for a quick clarification. I would like to close this particular chapter by this Monday when the payment is ready and I would so like to discard all these negative energy around me and bury them deep under the blue ocean.

I guess with all these, I come out wiser although I am a little worried as I become more cautious of people and have so much distrust in people. That is a negative trait that shouldn't consume me. But, I believe that this is a natural phase that one goes through when something like this occur and this barrier of trust is pulled up for protection. Trust is such a big word... it is so precious and priceless because it takes years to build yet could collapse in an instant. When that happens, you have the choice to build it up again or you could simply ignore the party totally because they become insignificant to you.

So, I shall continue to focus on what's significant in my life and work things out in the best possible way. The week has not ended yet and I am wishing for a continuous positive stride.

Friends in facebook are aware of my search for a new stroller.

See, getting a new baby and considering the fact that I'd be taking care of 2 babies without help made me suggest to the one for us to have a new stroller that could fit 2 of them at one go. I know I've seen mommies who babywear the younger one on them while the much older toddler sits in the stroller but in terms of practicality, I would much prefer both babies to sit on a stroller rather than me having to lug a baby around while tending to another.

Mannn... stroller hunting is not easy here in our country... especially if you're looking for a duo stroller. First of all, there isn't much choice out there in the market compared to those you see abroad... I mean, we went to so many online stores in the UK and US and you'll find so many good brands that are affordably priced.

Over here, the only ones with a duo carrier is from Mothercare and Phils & Teds, while you have those twins stroller from MacLaren and Chicco. I shall not touch those on local brands or other China brands that are cheap and flimsy because I believe in quality and safety after a horrifying experience with my first born when he was 7-8 months old. Note: made in China and China brands are two different points, okay.

Anyways, as usual, once we have something on our minds, we would go ahead with the proper research online and then calling up a few places, and we then went on our hunt to get it over and done with.

This was what I wanted - the Graco Quattro Duo. it has individual trays for each passenger but most importantly, it could fit little jj's baby carrier for when the baby is still very small. however, this stroller is unavailable in our country and my enquiries to littlewhiz.com and Babies'R'Us provided me with a negative response :(

First up, right after little jj's class in Kizsports, we went over to all the baby shops in 1Utama. We found a twin stroller in Chicco which was around RM1,300 after discount. It was perfect for newborn to 4 years old kids so it was perfect for both little jj and a newborn, and the handling was pretty good so it was quite alright. The only thing I didn't like was, it was pretty tough to fold and the weight was pretty hefty. I mean... get this - I go out buy my groceries and all, then I would need to get the stuff into the car, get one baby into her car seat and another toddler into her car seat, and they would then have to wait before mommy could start the engine while mommy fold the stroller (kick here kick there for it to fold). By the time I am done, I foresee my babies crying out, feeling the heat from the car park, etc. The price was very reasonable though, and I said to the one that Chicco would be our last choice.

Another outlet in 1Utama that I always liked to drop by every now and then, is Mom's Care, nearby MPH. They have a huge variety of baby stuff in many good brands. Over there, we discovered the twin MacLaren. The price was slightly more than Chicco but within our budget, the handling was so easy, the material was of a better and more comfortable quality and it was much lighter than the first one we saw. However, despite it having all these positive qualities, I still didn't like how it folded and we were still contemplating on 2 things:

1. the twin stroller will make it tough for me to maneuver in many areas because majority of shops do not have alleys large enough to accommodate a twin stroller; and

2. we were still considering getting a new stroller for little jj so that the baby can use her current Graco travel system.

Both points each have their own positive outcome - the first point would make it easier for me to handle both kids at one time while the latter, would eliminate wastage as the current stroller can still be used especially that Graco is a good brand (and still in very good condition) plus the fact that when little jj grows up, we would only be using one stroller VS an empty space in the twin stroller. And, the latter would allow either one of us to take the babies separately either to the changing room or wherever else when need be.

Of course, I would still like to discover my options fully before getting one. So, off we went to Mothercare in Bangsar Shopping Center. For those of you who are not aware, BSC has the largest Mothercare outlet and I went crazy at their ELC area after the renovations at BSC was completed. I think so far, it must be the best baby outlet in this country.

There, in Mothercare BSC, I finally got to see Phils & Teds, which suits my requirements perfectly but with a deep hole in the pocket. Strange though, that we would just grab a designer handbag of a higher price without much guilt but would think long and hard for a stroller that cost RM3k plus ;P

The Phils & Teds duo strollers were absolutely gorgeous! They have huge tires which makes handling so efficient and they are absolutely light in weight. The folding was a little too complicated though, even for the sales assistant, and we didn't bother to consider it. I mean, if a trained sales assistant finds it hard to fold it, let alone a busy mommy who has her hands full.

So, Phils & Teds were definitely off the list despite it having all the points I need. Damn... it was so perfect...

We also discovered a Mothercare duo stroller which I already saw on their website. It is only slightly more than RM1k and has all the requirements I need too, except that it is much longer than P&T. The handling was pretty easy as well. It has its individual trays and cup holders and collapses very easily... just one turn of the handle and it folds down instantly. One step and boom. Perfect. There is no need to kick one lever and kick another lever and pull this and pull that and put them together (like that song, 'Hokey Pokey'). The only downside, is its weight after it is folded. I cannot possibly lug it into the boot of our car. It is waay too heavy. *urrgghhh*

Therefore, we then decided to stick to our 2nd option - for little jj to get a new stroller.

We were worried that she wouldn't like a new stroller because she's such a routine toddler. She likes familiarity and may not welcome something new.

I saw a single stroller from Combi which looked perfect... it 'spoke' to me and I fell in love instantly. It was damn light and just pretty for little jj. However, with one more stroller in our car boot, we know that we have to get one that folds like an umbrella to save space. The one even mentioned of one that he saw, that folds like a golf bag and he could carry it on his shoulder.

So, adding another hour to our stroller hunting in Mothercare BSC, we discovered one from MacLaren. It was only RM600+ and could fold like an umbrella, exactly like what the one mentioned. The only thing was, it doesn't have a front tray, which many parents say one of the reasons for their much older toddler's disinterest in sitting on strollers... without a tray, I know little jj would not have that 'security' of being locked in, especially where she uses the tray as a table for her to put both feet up at times hehe. And, she could rest her favourite books on the tray.

But as life has it, one cannot have it all, right? We let her try out the MacLaren, she hated it at first but as soon as the one strapped her nicely, she actually let daddy push her around the shop.

So, we asked for a nice raspberry colour which they have one, asked them to take it out of the box and everything else, put her inside and walah.... the princess fell asleep. Soundly.

So yes, we found the 'perfect' stroller. And despite moi wanting a stroller that can fit both babies, I guess this choice is more practical. However, I may not be able to go out that freely without being accompanied by another adult... I mean, I can't possibly push two strollers, right... so................ there goes my freedom. But what is life without those small sacrifices, right?

And there goes our adventure :)

It is 4.35 am and I am still up, being used to this pattern that's been ongoing since about a month ago. And as much as I've said many times that most of the urgent stuff have pretty much dissipated, things are unfortunately (or fortunately) beyond my control. I am blessed to be so overwhelmed with work although I would prefer most to be within more manageable deadlines compared to those 24-48 hours rush jobs I had to do for some. Well, you can't have everything easy but then again, people should know that rush jobs may not get you quality results...

I tell you, it has been terribly crazy these past few weeks and I am so darn glad to have such an understanding husband... I can't emphasise that enough... it helped even more that the (not-so-little-anymore) munchkin can now iron his school uniform all on his own and I am lifted off that one part of the responsibilities in the morning.

In all these, I managed to slot in voluntary work for Mom Bloggers Planet first anniversary do (which I will update again later today, I hope!) and it was such an amazing event with amazing people I worked with, given the many factors that I will share in that post later. That Sunday, I was still up completing a final rush job til about 6.30am and had only about half hour of sleep while nursing little jj. It was so stressful getting everyone up and ready that morning until we actually forgot the baby bag. It helped so much that the one was so supportive of this particular project and he willingly went back home with little jj to get the baby bag while I busied myself with the necessary tasks I've committed with MBP at the Shah Alam Lake. Thus, my mind was totally clear and able to totally focus on the event.

Seriously, as I've shared with the one, as much as I welcome all these work for the extra bucks I am getting for myself, I don't think I am cut for all these adrenaline rush anymore. I am too old for all these (like, really). I have been putting on weight as I needed to eat to stay awake and my skin has really gone so bad due to the lack of sleep and SIX to EIGHT packets of pre-mix nescafe that I consumed everyday to keep me alert, since the past month. This is crazy and I know that I may have increased my chance of getting cancer due to the excessive intake of instant stuff within the short time frame, and probably even premature aging due to the adrenaline rush plus stress from the high amount of caffeine. I am not doing my body much justice and I do want to stop all these madness.

Today, I may be going through the first stages of withdrawal as I've reduced the caffeine intake but I am still unable to sleep and I hope I will go through this without much side effects. I hope.

I am extremely happy though that I have been appointed as Editor/Writer for some kiddy magazines. This would ensure a nice steady monthly income while I work from home. Hence, I can now probably say no to rush jobs and stick to my usual regular deadlines that are more manageable. This is a really positive development and I am grateful to those clients who had referred me to this particular publisher. Hope all goes well as I truly want to lead a 'normal' life.

With those rush jobs now out of the way, I foresee less stress even with the one going away for 3 days starting today. It's been awhile since he left the family for his work trips and I am glad that the timing couldn't have been more perfect. I would like to just sit in front of the TV (again) while feeding little jj her breakfast instead of me facing the computer while feeding her... or read to her properly during those quality breaks rather than just putting her books on my lap while pretending to read when my eyes are fixed on the screen while my fingers get busy typing... most importantly, I would like to start feeding her home-cooked meals again rather than rely on Mr Heinz and Mr Petite Gems.

I am so so tired. I am. But I am still smiling :)

Oh, and before I end this post, let me leave you with this video of little jj, 'singing' to Michael Jackson's Stranger In Moscow ;)