i shall not stop writing.

That was a short message I just sent out in facebook awhile ago.

The one said that I have a mid-facebook-life crisis, in that, I am acting as if someone who has a mid-life crisis... someone who's suddenly considering and thinking so much about something she has been doing all these while and questioning the reasons for it, even to the point of re-considering newer habits as I've lost faith in certain things due to stuff I've been receiving, reading or/and seeing.

All of a sudden, I feel that facebook is filled with pretentious people (moi included). You have friends whom you label as 'friends' yet some of them are privileged to view everything you put up about yourself while some of them are unable to view your wall, your full profile or your entire photo album. Heck, I am not just talking about others but I, too, have people whom I segregate to Family, Friends, Best Buddies, Blogger Friends and one particular group I named 'Questionable' who are unable to view my wall and can only read my notes without being able to comment on them because I don't fancy their views and not bothered about letting them know how I feel, yet I am unable to delete them off my Friends list because they are either family members, relatives or a friend whom I do not want to burn the bridges with.

So, that makes me pretentious too?

Heck, I am not a pretentious person because that is so not me. But circumstances in life sometimes forces you to be that way because you need to consider someone else's feelings... and while you do that, I feel some sort of insincerity... and being insincere tires me to the bones, being someone who thrives on principles.

Then, there are those whom I 'hide' on my Recent News wall. They are my friends, but I dislike reading their status because they would either create awkwardness to people reading their status or that they make my blood boil with never-ending stupid/rude comments on politics and personal stuff regarding their partners or their ex, giving out pathetic excuses to obtain constant attention and grabbing people to join them in easy money-making quests.

I know everyone's into facebook and I have to admit that it is a very good social and networking tool. In fact, I have been using facebook so actively because it is the only window to my networking and keeping-in-touch-with-friends ability. I stay at home all day. I work from home. I see no one at times. I go out only with my little jj and I only meet my family day in day out. Therefore, facebook is my only window to the outside world... I keep in touch very well on facebook... I get involved in many of what's happening to my friends through their status updates while I totally ignore other's updates whom I do not hide which I don't quite bother because I don't pretty much care about them but have nothing against them.

Previously, I would just delete people off my list especially those who dare request me to add them into my list of friends but never bothered to even write me a message and put in any efforts to keep in touch with a simple hi or how have you been or what have you been doing questions. But, I realised that many people get easily offended by that gesture of deletion and got me into thinking and re-considering my bold actions because there is nothing wrong about adding them and keeping them in my list as I could just easily segregate them into groups. Thus, allowing more control of what they can view and what they can't, until later on when we have more time to chat and they earn my trust.

Now, with 444 friends in my list and further editing controls to my privacy, I suddenly felt sick. Because I don't need over 400 friends and always worried who would misuse their access to my hoards of photographs. I mean, I never thought I even have 400 friends whom I can call, friends. So, yes, all of a sudden, I do feel sick with it. The pretentiousness.

I have been feeling this way since over a week ago when a sudden bout of low hit me. Could it be due to the age factor, coming to a certain phase in my life? I dunno...

I am lucky enough to just name a handful of friends whom I can depend on but 400?

I have a long lost friend who was so happy to see me again in facebook and we reminisced on old times and the things that I saw her went through... but when the time came to meet up, there were an endless bout of excuses of why she can't see me and that got to me... I mean, why bother.

Then, there were some people who were never even fond of me in Uni and were very clear with me on that then and all of a sudden expects me to add them into my circle of friends. Like, what the...

Do I really have 400 friends? And if you add someone, does that necessarily earn a friendship badge? And if you strike a friend off your list, does that make you both non-friends? Does it make you less of a friend or is that just plain normal and acceptable because in real life, we also unconsciously categorise our friends - with whom we trust more compared to the rest?

It's just that categorising subconsciously compared to putting it clearly online for the user makes it seem more pretentious. For me, at least.

So, like this is just a phase for me? Questioning all these. Does this mean I am going to move away slowly from my online presence there or will this be applied to everything else?

Why am I feeling this all of a sudden? Why am I suddenly affected by this?

In relation to my previous post on cooking with Rohani Jelani, this has been one overdue entry ;) sorry babes, I've been extremely tied up with stuff...

I think you can note my glee every time I talk about the cooking classes with RJ. The classes are not only a wonderful and enlightening experience, but more so because RJ is very passionate about her classes and her recipes. I think many people have experienced buying at least one recipe book or downloading some recipes from the net that do not work. I've tried a handful of them that were pretty tasteless too. Therefore, classes like this is truly helpful for people like me who doesn't cook much and not very adventurous to try anything too tedious.

Rohani Jelani, at work.

I also think that her classes are so wonderful in that I would be told if I made a mistake or things I shouldn't do in the process of cooking a certain dish... things can be rectified during the preparation process to obtain a certain result unlike you making something from a recipe from a book and would be wondering why things don't turn out the way they should because no one can point out if you've made a mistake... heck, in fact, you wouldn't even know what you did wrong.

And, the bonus part about going for her classes would be meeting all these wonderful people who may or may not be a good cook and that you won't feel awkward at all to admit that you haven't been doing this or that since everyone who comes in for the classes have one thing in common - to learn.

i love this simple arrangement at the registration table. they're things that RJ grows herself at her resort-like facility.

they're actually baby chilly plants and lime!

For this cooking session, I attended a class for desserts. I was gonna attend with my mom as a Mothers' Day treat but my dad forgot to inform her that they were supposed to attend a relative's wedding. So, I went alone despite moi not feeling well from a scary health attack the day before.

The thing about going alone is that you will be paired up with some other groups that chose similar type of recipes (you are to be paired with another student and choose 3 recipes from the list). This time, like the first class I attended, the group I was in made 4 recipes instead of 3 because they couldn't find any other students with an identical match. And, this time, I was in a group of 3 students.

With you coming in alone, there would be that risk of you getting paired up with a character that may not agree with you. Although my first class was a blast being paired up with a perfect stranger, this time, I wasn't that lucky. Well, it wasn't that horrifying... but I was nevertheless a little put off by what I experienced.

In the first place, all 3 of us chose 2 similar recipes - the Tarte Tatin and the Gooey-Centred Chocolate Pudding. But moi and another person had chosen to make the Creme Brulee while only one person wanted to learn to make the Baked Cheesecake. Now, I don't have any problem to learn things that I had not intended to learn because additional knowledge is priceless... but I would seriously detest a person who pushes me into doing something that I hadn't even sign up for, just because she may not know how to operate electrical appliances such as the food processor and hand mixer. I mean, the ingredients were literally shoved in front of me when the person had actually signed up to learn this particular recipe... all when I could have helped my other partner who was busy making the recipes that we had indeed chosen to learn. And I tell you, the other partner wasn't keen on making the cheesecake because she wanted to make those recipes that she had chosen. So, who else to shove the ingredients to, right, if not for this 'junior' student who probably looked young-er and easier to push.

To take it in a positive way, I learnt to use the hand mixer for the first time ever and the next time I sign up for RJ's classes, I seriously would want to get a friend to be my partner because I want my experience to be positive in all aspect. Then again, that opportunity might be rare since I'd hate to rely on another person because in most cases, it's better to go alone as you may not be in control of another friend's schedule and priorities when the time comes.

So, here goes... pictures of stuff we all made that day. All of them were lovely recipes and I seriously would recommend you to take up a class because you'd definitely want to keep going for more!

making caramel for the Tarte Tatin (pronounced as, "TAR-TA-TA")

While preparing the Tarte Tatin, I learnt so many useful tips especially on the tools to use. I especially liked the part where RJ taught us a trick on how best to peel apples :)

this one was a mixture for the Creme Brulee. The dark dust-like substance is actually speckles of real vanilla...

While preparing the Creme Brulee, I learnt a few new stuff particularly on several types of vanilla used on baking recipes and how each of them is different.

RJ doesn't leave us alone or just tell us what we should and shouldn't do. What I like about her is that she would patiently come over to your cooking area and teach you what you're supposed to do or how you go about doing something.

here, she made us all see how we should prepare the base for the cheese cake.

this was the area i used in my first cooking class... you see 2 groups with delicious stuff waiting to be completed. Clockwise from the top: Baked Cheesecake (that's almost done), the caramelised apples that's neatly arranged for the Tarte Tartin (waiting to be completed), and that dough for the pastry of the Tarte Tartin (which needs to be rolled with a pin).

here, a zoom in on the cheesecake waiting to be baked ;)

this was part of the process to making the Gooey-Centred Choc Puddings...

In this session, I learnt plenty of useful tips and how the gooey-centred result can be achieved. It was definitely enlightening.

look at everyone's expression... we were all eager to see the first batch of Tarte Tatin fresh from the oven ;D

ain't that pretty?? it was so yummy too...

here, RJ showed us a perfect Choc Pudding...

and how lovely it's gooey-centred portion flowed. heaven!

this was my portion of the Baked Cheesecake for me to bring home...

The Sunday class ran hours late because we all had a really good chat before the class started (the class really started at almost 11am instead of 9.30am) and since our group was doing 4 recipes instead of 3, we had to continue baking after that hearty lunch.

my inspiration for this entry ;)

It's 11.15pm when I started typing this and am just dreading the moment, if, in case little jj does a number on me the way she did late last night.

Ok, I must say that she has expanded her vocabulary awfully quick. Although most of the time she would talk gibberish, there would be times when we are all surprised by the words that came out of her without us pushing her to repeat after us.

Like the other day, she held her precious giraffe toy and said, "biraffe"...

Then she pointed out a photo of shoes and boots in her counting & colours book and said, "syuuu"...

And she loves to pick up coins from our room or her brother's room and would hand them over to me. Usually, I would say thank you to her but the other day, she said, "kangkoo" before handing over the coins ;)

Yesterday, she saw the birth of a baby giraffe on Animal Planet and said, "goat!" haha...

And we recently saw her acting on her curiosity at mommy's beloved kitchen. Being a toddler, she's a naturally curious munchkin. But, I had always been able to manage that curiosity because she would hear me say, "No", and be very obedient not to touch stuff in the kitchen. Even when I leave a cupboard open, she would just look at the cookwares and plates and stuff and not touch them... until very recently, though. It helped that our kitchen cabinets do not have knobs on them. As it is pretty difficult to open them, she had only learnt the tricks to that and only recently started to rummage through everything. Yup, that she recently did.

Being her mom and knowing her baby's character to the T, I wondered when she'd start getting sick. You know how it is with some beliefs that when a baby starts to acquire certain skills, she'd be down with fever? I remembered when she started to count 1-10 out loud months ago and said few things like 'abang' and 'atuk' and 'nenek' and 'cupcakes' and 'chicken' and stuff, she fell ill right after :D but that was expected because I did read somewhere on the net that a baby's brain can only absorb an X amount of info and too much info all at once can be pretty overwhelming for them.

So, with this belief and an anticipation to be prepared for another bout of fever especially since she's been sneezing a lot too, I got disturbed when she kept crying at many intervals last night although she has turned in by 10pm. It was after midnight when she cried non-stop and though I would like to just ignore it since daddy can manage, I was worried that she actually had developed a temperature.

I was glad, though, that I checked in on her because the top part of her pyjamas was wet from her tears and I definitely didn't want her to catch cold since she sleeps in an air-conditioned room. Changed her into another pair of pyjamas and held her tight while I lay on my back on the sofa in the living room.

Now, this is another new habit she has... she loves to just lie on her tummy while she's either on her daddy, her abang or moi... only the three of us. It's as if she misses hearing the sound of the heartbeat that when she's cranky, she'd instantly become calm when she lies on us that way.

She held me tight as if not wanting me to leave her (since I don't sleep with her anymore) and I actually thought she would fall asleep soon after. To my surprise, she lifted her head and said, "kih kih kih muahh muaahh" while she kissed my face repeatedly hehe...

So, from around 1 am til probably 4.30am, I was with her (while I fell asleep on and off) watching episodes of Chuggington, and Handy Manny... and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, where by this time, she was already on her feet and jumping to the tunes... and Special Agent OSO, and so on. At one point, I actually thought she went into our room because I could hear her say, "beat beat beat", where she would tap on us if she wants to wake someone up hehe... but I later realised that she actually went to her abang's room to get him to play with her. Abang, of course, was snoring heavily as we all had a looooong day yesterday, walking around in Ikea and then picking up daddy before we headed over to Giant's to get diapers.

Oh ya, the one woke up for awhile to accompany us at the living room during all these. In fact, at first I thought he woke up to switch to the sports channel but I guess he was tired as well and went back into the room soon after.

Around 4.30am when I could see little jj being fidgety, I reckon that I should push her to sleep and the only way to do it (when mommy has to put her to sleep in the room) was to offer her my boobies. Yup, although she has weaned off me completely, she still haven't got the hang of no boobies to sleep when she's laid to sleep in the room.... only with mommy, and only when she's in the room. So, by the time she had totally fell asleep was about an hour later.

Damn it was a truly tiring night for me and I was glad that today was a pretty calm day... The best part of it was that little jj fell asleep very easily for her afternoon nap and that lasted a good 3 hours of peace and serenity ;)

As a mom, I am of course extremely happy to see how cute she's become and how much she has developed so far... we are all adjusting to her new habits and even bought a gate for our kitchen. Yup, my fault that I had asked the contractor to remove the door to our kitchen because I felt that it wasn't necessary but then again, I wouldn't feel safe to not know what's happening inside the house if I were to cook with the door closed. So, we're only starting to install the gate.

Her latest habits make her feel so precious to me and I love that bond of holding her tight and keeping her secure. It can be daunting at times when she needs me to be near her almost all the time and it can be pretty tiring when she starts to get very demanding but most of the time, and hearing her talk, I feel so damn proud of her.

I count my blessings and am truly grateful for everything in my life.

Ok... it is already after midnight and I have a feeling she wouldn't be pulling that same stint tonight *cross my fingers*

Owh, it's a Friday already! Shall I plan for a day out to KLCC tomorrow (I mean, today)?? *wink*

little jj did this with my phone for the first time ever...

Thanks for asking me this question because I do have something I'd like to share concerning how we can make the most of an almost empty tube of beauty product. I don't know if you are already aware of this particular method because I think I got it either from the Martha Stewart show or Rachael Ray's... but I do think it may help enlighten many people because my family members would always give me that amazed stare whenever I do it. It's as if this particular method is so brilliant.

So, allow me to share.

I started doing this because I always felt that I haven't quite used up a tube entirely even when the products cannot be squeezed out anymore. Call me a scrimp if you like but I call it being efficient. I just hate wastage, especially when beauty products can be pretty expensive. So, the first step would be to cut off the top part of the tube using a pair of sharp scissors.

Once the top part is cut off, it will be large enough for you to dip your finger into it and you could even swipe your finger on its walls to ensure that you've really used up the content.

I assure you, you would always be able to get at least one or two more application.

Just imagine if I hadn't done this and would simply throw away the 'empty' tube when there's plenty more in it. Yes, you may find that there'll be excess amount of cream/masque/cleanser/anything that comes in a tube and so, don't fret... you can either use a large paper clip or in my case, a piece of clothes peg did the trick to keep the content fresh for the next beauty pampering session :)

Did you find this interesting?

Today has been a little frustrating... first of all, the internet connection sucked since morning.

We have been using Izzi broadband for more than 2 years totally hassle-free. Now, once we have renewed our 3rd year with them, the internet service seems to have dwindled away... we never got disconnected, ever, but recently it has been downright frustrating with its intermittent connection and worse still, we would always experience a no connection every time it rains. Like wth?

Then, there has been some lagging with my microsoft word application. It is original, mind you, and it happened once before... every time I make any amendments to a file I am working on, it immediately hangs and I am forced to quit the application. Today itself, I had to type one word and made sure I saved the file... saved the file every single time one word was typed so that when I force quit the application, the changes remain. Damn it!

Then, there was a power outage around 3.30pm just now due to heavy rain and I cringed at the thought of my computer not shutting down properly *urgghh*

After all these, and feeling so blardy irritated about the whole thing, I took a second look at myself and let out a deep breath, knowing very well that what I am facing is nothing compared to an ex-colleague who just lost his beloved wife early this morning. Though I hardly knew his wife, I felt a little disturbed by that piece of news because I can't help feeling very sad for their 2-year old daughter, who probably needs her more than ever at this very tender age.

Sometimes we all get so consumed by all these minute things happening in our lives that we forgot to say thanks to Him for this opportunity to live another day, to breathe in the beauty of life and share our happiness with those closest to us.

To Zul, I can never imagine how you must feel at the moment, but all I can say is for you to be strong for your little girl. Cherish what you still have and plan for what's best in the coming future. Al-fatihah to arwah Sheema.

I'm a little stumped and feeling a little tired from what's happening to people around me.

I dunno what is it with damsels in distress. Why do people keep getting involved in situations that pull them lower and lower every single time? Could it be that they are either so damn unlucky all the time or do they subconsciously put themselves in that situation on purpose? Does it bring so much pleasure to them knowing that there are people who'd come to their rescue every single time and do they feel some kind of power knowing that there are people who'd drop everything for them so that they don't feel so lonely?

Why do some people allow themselves to be the victims of circumstances? If you had put yourself in such a situation when you darn well know the consequences, is it fair for you to cry foul and for everyone to come to your rescue? After awhile, it gets pretty mundane and I cannot help but to question why... why are you constantly in the dumps? Haven't you learnt anything? And when will you listen to your gut feeling?

Seriously, I feel awfully tired. It's not that I don't care... I do... I will do anything in my powers to support you even if I know it's a lost cause. But I cannot do that all the time... I cannot have people suck my positive energy because what will be left for myself or for my family who depends on me for my constant attention?

Sometimes, I feel that people out there do not really need help. Yes, they come crying for help but they don't listen. They keep repeating their mistakes and for what? Why? And when I tried to relay my message across, that makes me the bad person?

Can you only come to me if you really need help and want to help yourself? Because I could only do so much. I need my energy for more important things... material stuff are just petty to me.

So, what am I gonna do? Cry foul to someone else when I put myself in this situation? I need to get out and I don't seem to be able to get my message across clearly although I've been frank enough. You may think I am selfish but then, you are too. Just get up already... open your eyes for just one minute and start to take control of your life. You just have to.

This is a much overdue post and I hate having to make excuses like being busy with work and the demands at home. Then again, that is the truth :|

Anyway, I have been very excited about this piece of stale news... recently (early last week, rather), I attended a cooking class by Rohani Jelani.

I found out about her when a blogger-friend wrote about her cooking lesson, visited the link that she provided and was sold instantly! ;P thanks, Izreen... the power of blogging, indeed...

Rohani Jelani is a petite bubbly personality who exudes an infectious charm. The moment that she came into the dining area where her eager students were waiting for her, I was totally enchanted by her small size and zest.

From what I read about her, she studied at the London Cordon Bleu before returning to KL and was employed in a commercial kitchen, slaving through back-breaking hours working in a large hotel. Through time, she made a switch in her career and became a resident food writer of a woman's magazine. I guess after awhile, it was a natural step for her to set up part-time cooking classes which I personally feel is a success story...

I mean, I went for a class on a Tuesday and was worried that it'd get cancelled as there is a disclaimer in her website which states that some classes may be cancelled if there are less than 4 students. It surprised me that she had a big turn up that day, 9 pax, to say the very least.

Since I am always such a stickler for time and totally hate the bad morning traffic at the LDP, I made my way a little early that day, to her beautiful resort-like cooking school in Sungai Penchala. As I was very early, the gates were still closed. Called them up and Wati, her assistant answered the phone and walahh... open sesame. Another student came just minutes after and we introduced ourselves to each other. I found out that Aishah, was to be my partner that day and we chatted non-stop. One look at her and she reminds me of my beloved cousin, Fida, who's residing in the UK for more than 10 years already *sigh... how I miss her dearly*

One-by-one the students arrived... we even had a Swiss couple who were so friendly and a reporter from the Star online, who was doing an online reporting about Bayan Indah, which not only has a spacious and airy kitchen for cooking lessons, but also accommodation facilities to those who need to get away from the hectic lifestyle and relax in its warm atmosphere (and, enjoy good food all day long!)

Rohani does her lessons according to themes. And I am not embarrassed to tell you that I enrolled in the theme, Kampung Cuisine. Yeah yeah... one may think that it is easy to whip up masak lemak and all that (and I believe I do whip up a mean dish at that) but I wanted to learn much more... I believe that cooking is an art and that one should be consistent with the quality one produces. More often than not, I work according to my gut feeling... a dash of this and a dash of that, some spoons or this and some cups of that.... I wanted much more. I wanted a proper step-by-step guide so that I do not have to worry all the time (since I am such a pain hehe...) and I would like for someone to tell me what I am doing wrong. I know that we could always learn from our moms but since my mom doesn't have specific measurements every time she cooked, I thought it would be an eye-opener to learn from the best in the industry.

That day, I chose Ayam Percik (spiced, grilled chicken), Nasi Kerabu (herb rice salad) and Masak Lemak Ayam Nenas (chicken and pineapple curry). I chose them because my family loves them compared to the other three dishes that were also listed under this theme. Aishah, my partner that day, chose Onde Onde (glutinous rice ball with palm sugar) instead of my last choice but since there weren't anyone else with similar choices to ours, we were given the option to whip up 4 dishes instead of 3. It sounded pretty okay until we were in our 2nd-3rd hour... and I'll tell you all about it later on :)

Before we started, we had a really wonderful chat with Rohani. I think she wanted us all to feel welcomed (and very welcomed, we did feel). She explained how the class will be like. She also said that many of us were first timers compared to other classes where she would have students who come by every once in awhile to take up different lessons from her over 60 themes! I could tell that Rohani loves company, she loves to be around people, she loves to talk to enthusiastic people, she loves sharing her passion for cooking with people and she's very engaging. It made me feel totally involved in what she was sharing with us all and made everyone aware of everyone else. She also explained on some of the processes and preparation that were done the way her team did and we all then grabbed an apron and a hand towel each before getting into action.

My 'work' station was further inside and I liked that the kitchen was pretty airy... it was hot, I tell you, cooking and going here and there to whip up stuff which was explained clearly in the recipe that she provided in a folder but the atmosphere in the airy kitchen made it less stressful.

during the earlier stage - the preparation of the gravy...

While the chicken was cooking on the stove, we quickly went on to the next one - masak lemak nenas. Instead of chicken, we both got large prawns instead. Now, I know I always like to cook masak lemak at home and I do believe I cook it really well too... but through this lesson, I learnt the things I shouldn't do and Rohani scolded me in a joking manner on two things. Of course, I do think that if she could, she would have reprimanded me much firmly haha... but then again, she did want us all to have fun while cooking instead of being afraid to cook ;) in the end, the dish still turned out pretty tasty...

Next, came the ironic part.... as I mentioned earlier, my partner wanted to make Onde Onde, right... and the main reason I enrolled in this class was to learn how to make my favourite Nasi Kerabu. However, we discovered that I am not very good with knives and didn't cut the herbs as fine as how they should be cut. Therefore, Aishah took over slicing them herbs oh so finely while I had to move on with the next recipe as we only had another half hour before lunch. So.... you guessed it... I did the Onde Onde instead... and what a tedious task, as I found out later!

I know I've seen my mom done it many times before and I've even helped her put them balls into boiling water before taking it out after it floats to the top. But mannnn... I find making kuih very very cumbersome. You know, when you cook, it's like you take a little of this and that and grind and chuck them all in a wok bla bla bla... but this... the flour and the water temperature must be right to ease making a perfect dough. I was baaaaddd at that and Rohani had to add more flour and then even more because it was a total mess for me! Another student from the neighbouring group had to assist me as we were running late and Aishah had to help with the Nasi Kerabu from other groups but alas... the Onde Onde turned up ok despite all the drama. Still, if you asked me to make it again, I would give you a piercing stare. Ok?

Hmmm... then again, I think it must be a test from god since He knows how much the one loves Onde Onde. So I guess (and I am making a promise!!) that this year's fasting month, the Onde Onde shall come from my kitchen, not the Pasar Ramadan at Kelana Jaya hehe... *errksss*

We all then enjoyed the finale where everyone gets to taste everyone else's creations (I thought I took a picture of our Ayam Percik but that photo seem to have gone missing from my camera). We all chatted away and got to know each other even better.

All in all, I truly appreciate this wonderful opportunity to learn while we expand our contacts. I think learning is a never-ending process in life and there is always so much to learn. I also admire at least one of them, who has a high-ranking position in one of our largest banks who took some time off work just so she could do the things she had always wanted to do. I mean, you may think that Kampung cuisine sounds too simple and easy for us locals but you'd be surprised how so many of us would jump at the chance of learning to prepare these dishes the proper way.

Rohani doesn't just teach us how to cook, she gave us valuable tips on preparation and presentation. It was even better that everyone was so lively and it helped even more that Rohani was quite patient with our quirks.

I came home feeling good yet highly lethargic as I kinda overdid myself after I swam for the first time in 2 years just the night before... and being on my toes for a good 3 hours in the kitchen made me hit the sack early that day.

I look forward to attending more classes from Rohani Jelani but especially her next one where I would be bringing my mom along, as a belated Mother's Day treat... that one shall be another memorable experience ;)

Oh, I am telling you, it feels great to be able to do something good for yourself... and that doesn't involve a big hole in your pocket. Well, a small teensy weensy damage but nothing worrying ;)

See, I've been wanting to go back swimming for the longest time. The last time I swam was when little jj was about 8 months in my tummy. I was heavy but I floated gracefully ;P

I've always believed in the power of swimming. It must be my best strength training yet because firstly, I never could commit going to the gym regularly. The most was 2 months straight and after that, I kept paying the monthly fees without even showing my face at the gym. Secondly, I just hate the stress of looking for parking and now that there are much more commitments at home, I don't think I have the time. Thirdly, you practically do not sweat from swimming and you can even run in the pool where the heavy load of water makes it a perfect resistance to your movements, making you use most part of your muscles. And when you're tired, you could just lie on your back and float in the pool, with the calming sound of water around you. It's so relaxing.

The best part about staying in a condo is the ability to use the swimming pool. I have always loved the water... since young I always had an ambition to be like our then national swimmer, Nurul Huda Abdullah, who kept winning golds in SEA Games and all. I swam so much that my shoulders became much broader than normal girls my height. But, that ambition became just a dream as I wasn't as fast as most people in swimming. But swimming has always been a part of my life and I just cannot look at a swimming pool without the urge of jumping into it ;P

I haven't been swimming since the baby was born partly because I had difficulties to handle the demands of a breastfeeding baby and loads of work day and night. Partly too because I had body issues... I was still on the chubby side and didn't feel all that comfortable with the way I looked. Of course, these things come in a phase and I managed to get out of it after about a year as little jj drank less from me and my appetite started to be more manageable as I become less hungry. Still, I have always dreamt of getting back into shape and there are no better shortcuts (and cheaper too!) than to swim. I figured out, even with work to be done at night, I could slot in swimming for at least an hour every alternate days so that I have more energy after the exercise and that no one will see my bulges/stretch marks at night. Haha but as usual, there are those excuses after excuses especially since the pool at our condo is ice cold at night.

But but but... seeing another friend my age all geared up to lead a healthier lifestyle (and to obtain a leaner body), I suddenly felt so motivated to actually get off my butt instead of complain and feel bad about myself. I mean, you can't keep on blaming the entire world on your issues and there are things that you need to take control because they are all under your control, really.

I digress.

Yesterday, I put on my old swimming gear that I haven't worn in years and it was so difficult to get in and out of it. But I persevered. I needed to swim.

I got out of the apartment, went downstairs and headed to the pool when I realised it was pouring. Heavy rain, in fact. Damn... it was already so difficult to fight with the inner voice inside my head as it kept telling me to rest at home... that I had so much work to do... and that I could just swim the next day but I fought hard with it... and was totally frustrated at the outcome. It was too dangerous to swim and I did not want to get sick. I guess that is a legal excuse, isn't it?

So worried that it would put off this spirit in me, I kept thinking about Dilla who's on her way to a better self and off I went to get a new bathing suit which I got for only RM58 after a 50% discount. I thought that was a real good sign for me and there I was, happily swimming away after I had cooked dinner for my angels and fed little jj her dinner.

At first I only did half a lap... and then 1 lap non-stop at the swimming pool that's probably half the size of an olympic pool. I then did 2 laps non-stop, enjoyed the peace and serenity and then surprised myself with a possible 7 laps non-stop for 20 minutes (I lost count on how many laps I actually did). I did a relaxingly slow front crawl all the way so that I didn't use too much of my energy and I forced myself to stop so that I didn't over exert myself as I had plenty of things to do tomorrow... can't afford any cramps in my muscles.

After I was done, I went back upstairs and made sure to take some photos of those flabs to see how far I'd go from tonight.

We shall see...

I guess it all takes some little courage to just get up and go do what you've always known you had to do. Once you have gone past that hurdle, it would give you enough strength to keep going, InsyaAllah...

Thanks, Dilla... you don't know what a big influence you had on me.

Toughcookie says:

First of all, the grass always look greener on the other side. Before you make such a decision, why don't you try it for at least a month or two. This is because, many SAHM have told me that they hate looking at themselves at home as they no longer have 'ME' time. A handful of working moms who've tried being a SAHM had also admitted to me that getting out of the house to work is like an escapism for them... they can be more relaxed outside of the house rather than screaming at the top of their lungs day in day out dealing with their kids and they are also able to go for coffee breaks and long lunches while gossiping or shopping without the kids clinging to their pair of legs.

As for me, I had always thought of myself a successful career woman. But I guess, I do feel burnt out after working hard every single day since the day after my final exams in Uni. Lucky me, I have a husband who works in an organisation with sufficient medical coverage for our family and I guess that was part of the encouraging factor for me to pursue taking a break for at least 6 months after the baby was born, or so I thought.

Well, frankly, I love being at home because my work required me to work long hours... and I had to travel at least a week of every month. I couldn't see myself separating from the family and truthfully, I became lazy ever since I found a man who pampered me the way no other man did. So, making that decision was not very difficult.

During the initial stage, though, you'd somehow feel a little inferior about yourself especially if you have friends who've kinda made it in their career. I found that I had to explain to people that I used to head a department in a public listed company (and made sure I emphasised that the department held responsibilities at 'group' level) just so that I would be taken more seriously and not be perceived negatively as a tai tai. Of course, I realised I am out of this inferiority stage as I no longer felt the need to tell an old friend whom I recently bumped into of this fact when she raved about how a former classmate is now a manager of a private limited company. So, I guess one would need to go through this initial stage until it wears off.

Initially too, as much as I liked how we were leading our life, there were many decisions that we needed to make especially in terms of our financials in order for us to lead an 'easy life'... what I meant by 'easy life' is a life that's not filled with so much debt just because we want to 'look good' all the time. Therefore, we needed to make some sacrifices so that I could still do some bits of shopping for the kids every now and then, that we could still enjoy eating out at the places we love to hang out and we made sure there's some emergency stash for well... emergencies.

As for you sustaining your current lifestyle, I can vouch that your expenses on yourself will slow down immensely when you've stopped working. I am not sure about the majority of SAHM's out there but I have spoken to some friends of mine who shared the same view - that they didn't need to shop that much anymore since they're always in their t-shirts and sweatpants. For me, I didn't feel that I needed to look smashing all the time, I hardly wear make up unless I'm out with the one and I've been wearing my very comfy pregnancy shoes almost everywhere I went. Of course, nowadays I do make it a point to look good because one year of staying chubby and plain became a little boring to me :) but I am still wearing them shoes from Scholl because they are so comfortable! So, when I think of this, yes, you'd be making some sacrifices in the beginning but things will turn out well in time... I believe so :)

I think when you've decided such a thing - to stop working, you must talk this over with your other half on what he expects out of you and what you both are willing to compromise. It can be a little depressing at times when you feel like there's no other way to cut yourself into 10 parts and still be useful to your family but all that can go away when you have a supportive and understanding partner. A lot of people think this SAHM is an easy peasy role (some even think it's a no brainer!) and it can get a little challenging having to explain how tiring it can be (and sometimes even worthless to get into this argument with people) so, it helps if your other half does not think of it that way and thinks of you as a strong contributor to the family.

As for doing business, what is it that you like to do? It's no point getting into a business for the sake of doing business. Doing something you like can ensure its sustainability and viability. It won't be a smooth start but your passion will keep it going, while you maintain your priorities to your family. All I can say is that the possibilities are endless. Once you're out of the rat race, your mind will think of stuff you'd never think of. Some people say my optimism is due to my business-minded nature. Truthfully, I was never business-minded but the fact that I would like to have my own pocket money to spend as I like, the mind starts to get very creative all the time and you'll see plenty of things as an opportunity to make money. Well... you'll think of something....

Sometimes, things will not turn out the way you planned and I don't think one should be very rigid. At first, I bought a sewing machine and an edging machine to start a sewing project but the projects never got through and I found myself doing writing and translation jobs for old contacts. I even took some part time sewing lessons just so that I keep myself abreast with the latest technology, techniques and tools to start up a tailoring business but as it turned out, the person who impart her sewing knowledge to me became one of my clients ;)

Therefore, one will never know what one's potential is in business until one starts doing something. Just do something and open your eyes and mind to any possibilities.

I hope my explanation is satisfactory to you and I wish you all the best of luck. It all boils down to how determined you are and you can start finding out if you are going to be happy staying home by taking small steps at a time. One shouldn't be hasty about taking this big step especially if you're so used to working. However, I do think that as much as being a SAHM can be pretty tiring, frustrating at times and not a glorified job, the non-monetary benefits do make me feel extremely happy and highly rewarded. Don't give up that easily when times are hard and it always helps to keep a positive mind.

It has been a very tiring day today (Saturday)... all of us in the family had quite a full day, starting as early as 7.45am til almost 10pm just now and this toughcookie fell asleep unintentionally only to be sharply awaken by little jj who badly needed the attention from someone. Well, my 13-year old was busy on the net while daddy was engrossed with his PS3 and I guess the only fair thing to do was to wake mommy up as mommy will do anything to keep her happy.

I woke up, gave her the much deserved attention and passed her back to daddy while I finally get to do laundry at such a late hour. In a situation like this, we all do what we have to do, don't we?

Anyways, this got me to thinking about Mothers' Day tomorrow (or today, rather, as this post was drafted just before midnight prior to Mothers' Day). Now, whomever says that mommies are allowed the same benefit as those in employment during Labour Day? Which mommy can tell me if they really are granted an off day, like totally, 100% - no cleaning, no cooking, no tending to any members of the family, nothing... anyone?

It's never easy being a mom, and it is even more difficult to be a good mom....

A good mom doesn't just deliver a baby into the world and raise the baby up hoping that they'd be a successful person automatically... a good mom does much more beyond taking care of their kids. A good mom tends to the family, put everyone else's needs before hers, raise her children up well to be a human of strong character, tell them frankly if they have made a mistake so that they would be a better person and be sure to support them in times of need. A good mom would not be afraid to let her kids know who's boss yet allow her kids to develop into who they want to be even with some pressure put on them because she has experienced it all before and does not wish to have her kids go through life's tough lesson the hard way.

I am not sure how good of a mom I've been so far... but I do know that I've worked very hard to support my family even during those 7 years of life as a single mom, raising a child with ADHD and Dyslexia, so that I could afford the therapy bills and additional classes for my growing child's needs. I would so want to be a good mom but seeing how different my 13-year old is now that he's in a stage where his friends seem to be more important than family, I would want to learn how other moms with grown up sons handle their teenage needs and how tough it is to want to be firm and tough without putting too much pressure on them.

It's never an easy task being a parent, not just for a mom. But since I am on the topic of Mothers' Day, allow me to just indulge in my emotional rush via this form of expression that I know best - writing.

I think I started to fully appreciate my mom as my mom when I got my first child. I suddenly realised the sacrifices that she had to go through, especially having us kids who didn't necessarily made her entirely happy. Yes, she has her weaknesses where our personality clashes like nobody's business and yes, we had our heated moments back then. Heck, there were too many disagreements especially on my way of life, the decisions that I made and so forth that made our relationship a little tense at one point in time, but I've realised that she has not been a mother who's not good.

Having a teenage child and one baby who clings on me constantly, I realised that my mom, despite whatever situation we're in, would always not fail to remind me that she's my mother, so that I will never lose ground.

I realised that despite whatever challenges that went her way, she would never lose sight of her children, bring us all back into what's real, nags all she wants if she feels she needs to, make us hate being in that situation if the situation calls for it yet at the end of the day, we all know that all was done because of her love for her children and her children are hers for an entire lifetime. No mother would want their kids to suffer through life yet no good mothers would want their kids to not learn their lessons after a bad fall, either.

It's never easy being a mother, as I have recently realised after some bouts of crisis, and even harder being a good mother.

A good mother does not need to be afraid to correct the wrong yet admit that she has made a mistake, and lower her ego all in the name of love. A good mother doesn't protect her kids who have done grave mistakes while she reprimands those who truly love her, who does whatever it takes for her and constantly thinks only of her feelings. I mean, what good does it do to mistreat the better children only to protect those bad apples because a good mom would know that that will never solve the problem, and the individual will never learn her lesson.

A good mother doesn't go against her word just for her convenience but demonstrate equal respect to all her kids because she knows that respect is earned and that she would want her kids to respect and love her, not only because it's her rights as a mom.

A good mother is able to tolerate life's challenges because she, of all people, would understand more about life while her kids are still only less than half of her age, who still needs time to learn while they tread the rough pathways of life and that they need all the guidance they can get unconditionally, not being treated second class just because they are willing to put up with everything in order to learn and be a better person.

Yes, it is hard being a mother, and more so, being a good mother.

I am still learning especially in this recent development dealing with a growing boy-turning-into-a- young man who sometimes rebel and unsure of what he needs to do or where he should step. A good mother will not let her child get lost and bring him back with proper guidance.

As much as I had so much resentments with how my mother handled me before - of how overly protective she was of me in my teenage years, so much so that I couldn't even go out with my friends until I've completed my SPM exams... I couldn't understand why I needed to be chauffeured driven everywhere I went and why I was constantly reminded to take good care of myself, as if I didn't already know of that particular fact.

The truth is, as much as it sounded really irritating - of her repeating to me constantly to take good care of myself, I guess I now am so thankful for that constant nagging as I now know that she loves me that much to be so worried of me and afraid that I'd lose myself in the beauty of life as a grown lady.

Mak, is a conservative woman who didn't bother much about being a friend to her daughter because she felt that discipline and doing everything proper, according to her style was the way to raise her children. It was a stressful life being a teenager under her roof and I never understood her style fully.

Now that I am a mother myself, I am exhumed with total relief that she raised me the way she did as all her qualities of a good mom suddenly became so clear to me...

Yes, being a good mom is not very easy but that her ways of raising her children made us who we are today, prevented us from making any irreversible life mistakes that could ruin our future but most of all, ensuring that her kids do not take her for granted. She's firm and she's an even tougher cookie compared to me but after 34 years of my life, I suddenly realised that she had at least tried to be a good mom. No matter how difficult her children once thought life was under her roof, we all could now safely testify that after having kids of our own, and going through life one day at a time, we are truly grateful to be born in that family and to have her as our mother.

She is a remarkable mother and I deem her, a good mother.

It ain't easy being a good mother, but she has been one damn good mother.

There is no need to pretend in our family and there isn't any need to be manipulative to get what we want. Everything is done in a straight-forward manner and honesty becomes a very important factor for the family to remain strong albeit with the many weaknesses.

Now that I have kids of my own, I would like to take all the positive things that she's taught us. I vow to never lose sight of what's important for my kids that whatever I do or the decisions that I make for them (while they are under this same roof or not), will be for their benefit in the long run. I know I would need to be strong to face resistance from my kids if they find it hard to understand why I do the things I do because I know, 10-20 years down the road, they will be in my shoes now, looking back and realising that yes... it is difficult being a mom, but mommy was definitely a good mom.

Happy Mothers' Day.