A note for Jada - a useful advise on friendship.

I haven’t really been paying much attention to the ‘Requests’ section of my facebook account for so long. I’ve been really occupied with work and all my status updates were done from the TweetDeck that was installed on my mac mini by the one. Hence, all updates are automatically linked and uploaded to my facebook status. And those times when I do have time to keep in touch with friends on facebook, I rely heavily on its homepage and latest status updates of friends that appear there. Since I am in front of the computer most of the time, I’d let those game applications like Farmville, Yoville and Café World run so that I could keep up with whatever that I needed to do during those short breaks from work and demanding little jj.

But… just a week ago, I decided to check out my Requests page and saw those friend requests that’s been on queue for God knows how long. Also saw several profile pictures of those friends suggested by existing friends on my list. Now, that….. had brought certain memories from the past that was practically buried so deep in my skull.

So… that got me to thinking… of the past, of friends I am no longer friends with… of friends who touched my life in so many ways before but have lost contact… of those people who were only friends with me because they wanted something from me… and those people who got close to me because they felt they could protect me from my trusting nature.

Then there were those assholes who told stuff and those people who judged me for being myself and now, seeing their profile photos on facebook, how much they have changed into people they judged before. But then again, my uni years was waaay back and I asked myself why I was still holding on to those insignificant memories… why some of them still touched me, and those many questions on why some of them wants to add me as friends when they never bothered to be one then. I was heavily judged a city girl, dressed too daring (though that was nothing close to how much more daring I am now)… oh, how much more innocent and simplistic way of thinking local students were in that local university.

So, with that, I felt that I’d want to leave a note for little jj… a useful note for her when she starts facing the various different characters in her growing up process where mommy might not be able to constantly tell her this and that. I know I have at least mentioned some of these points to my eldest son every once in awhile when the topic of friends and friendship came about especially when he starts to judge people from the way they dressed or looked. And although I won’t be able to totally protect little jj, I would like for her to know that her mommy at least have told her some priceless advise that her grandma never really made clear to her mommy before.

Notes for my precious little jj…

Don’t be afraid to be yourself – and when I say, ‘yourself’, I meant honest, passionate and sincere, even to the point of being outspoken, brash and bold. Some people will judge you for being rude, some people will want to stay away because you feel like a threat to them and many will talk behind your back because they may be jealous of what you have and what you can do without fear. These traits will be the traits that others look for, especially those who are also honest and sincere in fostering friendships and that they seek these positive traits because they expect nothing less out of a friend.

Keep some mystery – do not reveal too much about yourself, your family or what you think about what has happened to some people because most of the times, people would just want to hear you talk and what you say can be used against you. It is better that one doesn’t know you too well because firstly, judging you will be even harder and secondly, those negative people will feel much worse that they have no juicy contents to twist to make you look bad. And you, have nothing to lose as you will always have true friends out there even if you haven’t found one.

Don’t be afraid to be outstanding – yes, by being brash and bold (in a positive way) will make you stand out from the rest. People can feel threatened by that unless they are mature and open-minded and know that this is such a small matter when it comes to fostering friendships. I can strongly vouch that this possible ‘unwanted’ trait by some is a really small issue in your student years because this trait is a strong advantage when you seek employment. Trust me. I’ve been there.

Learn to be a good listener - you do not need to say anything after. Sometimes people only want to share their thoughts to have one who could listen while they express their feelings so that they feel better. They might not be seeking for opinions or advise. By listening to what they have to say, you have played your role as a good friend.

Those who disturb your life are disturbed inside - do have faith that people who disturbs your peace are those who are very much disturbed internally. They do not need help unless they help themselves. These people cannot stand to see other people happy because they are miserable all the time and the need to hurt other people to make them feel better, is one pitiful trait. Their opinions about you cannot affect you in any way and you do not need to explain or prove anything about yourself to anyone.

Do unto others if you want others do unto you – it’s okay if there are many pessimistic people around. Be what they want but you should always stick to your principles because this is what will hold you close to yourself… your conscience is clear at all times and there won’t be regrets.

The glass is always half full – be positive no matter what. Every event has a silver lining, there is always 2 sides of a coin and the world is round. Therefore, as long as you are honest and sincere in everything you do, you do not judge others and don’t meddle in other people’s issues, you’d have a happier life. Even if some things do not go your way, you’d be able to see the better side of things, in time. And… those who do malicious and vicious things to you will always get what they deserve without you having to resort to revenge. Let go and nature shall take its course. That, you can trust me as well.

There is nothing wrong with being nice to get your point across – honesty, brash and bold do not need to be applied in a negative way. Just be firm, concise and gentle. There are plenty of time to show your bitchy side after you have joined the employment market but during your student years, all you need to do is study well, enjoy life as a student and get involved in as many activities as you can. Honesty can sometimes be misconstrued as arrogance. So be tactful and think before you open your mouth because as much as I encourage you to be honest, at times and in some situations, it’s not worth your breath.

Make as many friends as possible during your student years – because like it or not (and true to the saying, ‘the world is round’), you would in the future meet or need some of them. I remember how one guy who was so openly critical about me back then suddenly came begging to me to give him a good evaluation for the utterly careless and unprofessional catering service to the organisation I was working for. One day, you would be a decision maker or your friend could be in that position. You do not want to be in a situation where you appear a hypocrite because you will never be able to face yourself in the mirror. And mommy would so hate to know that my precious princess was brought up as a pretentious person.

Always smile the moment you get out of bed to the time you turn in – smiling changes a lot of perspectives, to you or to others. It also further promotes positive thinking. So, smile… and the world will smile with you because a smile can be infectious. Plus, I know you’d look so much more gorgeous with a smile.

It’s not important to have best friends, yet – you can have best friends but only after you have really got to know them inside out. Sometimes, we can be wrong about someone but that is okay because we are only human. Just don’t get too attached or dependent on anyone. Best friends can be your worst enemy. So, remember to stay a little mysterious. Furthermore, you will find many people whom you can call a best friend in your later years when the environment is so much healthier and everyone gets more matured.

Take care of yourself, love yourself – people will not love you if you do not love yourself. Be selfish if you like. Don’t even bother about what others thought of you (and this, I meant it in a positive way). You will never be able to please everybody in this world so stop thinking that you need everyone’s approval in everything that you do. As long as you know what you’re doing is the best thing to do for yourself, no other people should be able to make you believe otherwise. By being selfish, you discount all other miserable factors because in the end, you are responsible for your well-being. Everyone is selfish and wants what’s best for them. Therefore, you should too.

Live life as if there’s no tomorrow – live happy, think happy thoughts, be positive and experience (within limits) life wise and open. Thus, when you get to my age, you wouldn’t have to say things like, “Oh, I wished I had done that before,” or “I never tried doing that in uni,”. And that quite suck at this age since you know you should enjoy being a young adult, and the only responsibilities are taking care of yourself and your grades.

Stay close to positive people – only when you are positive and friends with people who value life can you succeed in life. With positive influences, you get rid of bad energy which can affect you. It’s ok if some people think less of you as long as you know yourself and have faith of those significant people around you.

Always be responsible for your own actions and the choices you make – yes, it is always easier to blame everyone else for anything that does not go your way. But I tell you, that will never make you a better person and you shall never be able to improve yourself and achieve success with a clear conscience. Remember that whatever you do and the choices you make are made with yourself in mind, for your benefit and for you to come out wiser.

Remember that your family will be on your side no matter what – you can always choose your friends but you can never choose who you want as family. As bad as that may sound, just know that you would always have our support and to come to any of us for advise, should you need clearer direction on what you need to do.

If you've made a mistake, apologise instantly and sincerely - because if you treat life like there is no tomorrow, you should know that you may never see that person again and that you have the balls to admit to your mistake (yes, baby, you can and will make mistakes along the way but that is alright). Stop making excuses because it will make your apology totally lame. So, suck up your ego, and apologise, and be sure to not repeat such things again.

Do not give away trust that easily – I am not saying you must mistrust everyone around you… that is negative. I am just saying that not everyone is your friend even if they appear to be very very nice and that not everyone is your enemy just because they appear crude or nasty. Once you get to know people, you may be surprised to note that nicer people can turn to be your worst enemy and those who appeared cold could probably displayed that to protect you.

Give way for second chances – though it cannot be applied all the time. People may not get it right the first time and in some cases, second chances make a whole lotta difference!

Let go of the past – while typing this point I realised how important it is to let go of the past. You may not be able to totally forget the past or forgive those who’ve wronged you but letting go of the past allows you to feel better. In time, you will eventually forgive some people and realise that they cannot affect your life in any way unless you allow that to happen. Furthermore, the past experience shapes you into a better person. Letting go of the past may not have to be one where you are inclined to offer any friendship in return, although some of them from the past could also turn into better characters. Life is a journey of learning… you won’t get everything right all the time but at least I know with all these and through all these, you have protected yourself considerably well.

Last but not least, as I’ve just finished watching ‘Meet the Robinsons’ on Disney channel with abang while you were on your afternoon nap, I would so like you to adopt the values from that movie – to always move forward in life. As you are responsible for the choices you make, you can not change things (and I don’t think you should change people as well) or the past. But what you do in the present time will shape your future and that helps a lot if you could live life with positive energy… in that process, just know that you have good friends who’d have your back even if they’re not close to you or never told you that.


Chech said...

Beautifully, and of course, thoughtfully written.

Rosfida Abu Sufi said...

Yes, I know the feeling. It is amazing how these so called friends who have talked ill about me so many times and yet they call me the backstabber and now they want to rekindle lost acquaintances with me!!! At least I know who I am be it good or bad! So, the advice for Jada, is not only useful for Jada but the whole human race! Insya-allah.

dillazag said...

Wise words for the little one. :)
Saya pun suka...

BTW, babe, I read about that Zoobie from TinyTapir from you first and they are now having a booth in Bangsar Village. Guess what? I bought 2 Zoobies and a Baby Zoobie from them. It's damn cute! Thanks for the review .. hihihihihi I really like lah! Nanti I update my blog on that pulak.

toughcookie said...

hi chech,
thanks dear...


hi dilla!
thanks... oh, and thanks for the info on TinyTapir. looking forward to reading your review ;) ni kira sorang satu la dapat zoobie, eh? hehe...