I woke up this morning feeling so lethargic.
Little jj is out from fever but since yesterday, she developed some serious coughs and cold that I could even hear the thick phlegm from her coughs. I felt useless as the one took the car to work and by the time she woke up from her morning nap, it was already past noon and the clinic is closed until 7pm.
The one came home some time in the afternoon and he was still feeling the after-effect of the viral infection he caught at a kenduri in Puchong on Saturday. So, he was still going in and out of the toilet, although at less frequent intervals.
Last Thursday when little jj caught the fever, her temperature shot up at night and left me with just 1 ½ hours of sleep. From then on, and the one getting sick during the weekend, I was forced to go full force with my energy even though I’ve already been ‘calling’ for ‘help’ the week before…
Don’t judge me to want a break because that doesn’t mean I love my family any lesser. My body has been telling me today that I need some sanity, even for a day (of couse now with what's happening, I'd like that break as soon as little jj has fully recovered).
Because this morning, with little jj sponged and all the medications given to her, I not only smell for I couldn’t take a bath with the little one all clingy to me, I reek the smell of her vomit.
But no matter how lethargic I was feeling, it gave me a little bit more strength to see her feel a little better after all that phlegm was out of her system.
She cried and cried and it pains me that she didn’t even want to eat. I didn’t feel like eating either and forced myself to eat when my tummy started to give those weird sounds. I mean, if I get sick, who's gonna take care of the little one... more importantly, who's going to take care of me?
At that point of time, I just cried. I don’t know why but I just did. Especially when someone close to me called and asked about the baby.
Does anyone feel sincerely interested to know how mommy is doing?
I guess not… and I couldn’t really blame anyone for it because that is the norm… it’s life, just suck it in.
And all I could think of was my best friend in the entire world – Nicole. I wanted to post a special valentine dedication for her for that one special reason but since I was busy with everything else at home, that had to take a backseat.
I text her while I was all teared up and told her not to call me back since I really didn’t feel like talking. I was smelly, emotional, definitely sad and I couldn’t get up. My whole body felt highly lethargic – one that is serious… I know it is a symptom of depression because I’ve felt something like this a long time ago.
I’m not trying to be dramatic with this post. I just have to write to make me feel better. Writing has always given me the avenue to let off steam and a talk 2-3 weeks back with one friend who is also a housewife, confirmed that many moms feel this way but were either too afraid to say what she feels for fear of being judged, or just due to plain guilt because mommies are supposed to be strong creatures, looking after everything in the household putting herself before others.
I know no one can help one if one doesn’t help herself and I am not expecting anything from this post… just a medium to let off what I’m feeling.
Nicole is someone I can turn to because she would always (without fail) ask me how I am doing everytime we talk or meet up. It’s not that I am complaining… I’m just at a point where I’m forced to be superwoman and feels the lack of love. It's not that I'm not getting any lesser love from the one, but this 'guilt' that a housewife feels is preventing me from talking about it to him... I mean, I am expected to do my duty, right? How selfish can one sound?
Of course, it is not the case because everything is really ok… it’s just a tired soul in need of a nice, good hug... to give me a little bit more strength and feel what I am feeling.
Right now, I feel a little happier since little jj has started to eat. Although she ate just 1/3 of the ice-cube portion, it was such an achievement for me to see her want to eat. Since I knew she liked the chicken-apple-sweet potato puree, I took that one out and her mouth instantly opened up wide. She drank lots and lots of milk and slept well from the meds.
She’s due for her next medication and it is so hard to see a baby gulping down meds. Deep down, I hope she knows that it is for her own good.
As for me, I am trying to force myself to eat as I can't afford to get sick... and I feel slightly better now that I’ve let out steam.