No two people are alike.

I almost cried when I read one touchy sms from a friend. It was regarding something so small in my definition but meant so much to her. I wanted to reply but really didn’t know what to write. It’s as if there are no more words left and it should be left at that.

It’s weird when what little you think you have done can make such a big difference to someone else. It makes you wonder how subjective things in life is presented to you. What could be something so insignificant to one can be a major life-changing event, in a positive way, to another. And I am glad, that I’ve touched one’s life in such a way. The feeling’s mutual.

On the other hand, some things you deem so insignificant can be perceived as something so negative that a solid friendship built for so many years is threatened.

I’ve always said that communications is key to almost everything. A friendship that we treasure most although would never run from arguments and misunderstanding, should be able to stand the test of time… only by communicating can things be ironed out.

However, some of us may not be gifted with the ability to choose the right words. Sometimes, the more you try to explain and justify yourself, words seem to be not enough and you dig yourself deeper into the hole. But again, I belief that friends who’ve come a long way should not have that much trouble since both are supposed to understand each other, and both should have that tolerance level for such a friendship to last that long.

I admit, I have been disappointed several times by people I call friends. But disappointment is based on your own definition. How much do you love the friendship? If it really means that much to me, I’d just let the issues fly by, gone into thin air. So, no, so far I have not severed any friendship because I only have a handful of people I can call ‘friends’ and I know I could never replace them. Of course, when I was much more immature (like probably 10 years ago), I might have lost a friend or two but nothing I’d regret.

Come past 26 (I think!) I’d take things in my stride. Simple misunderstandings (if any) are part and parcel of life (unless if that person sleeps with your husband or something, then that’s it laa… cut off terus).

No, this post is not about me. It is about two friends whom I have been in touch with, with one of them kinda in the midst of severing ties with the other. I was fortunate to be able to talk and hear both of them out, and give them my take on the situation that happened months ago.

I believe (and I can’t reiterate this often enough) that communications is key. Sometimes, when you think you’re hurting you can’t assume that the person on the other end knows exactly what’s going on. And, I believe it is not healthy to have pent up emotions because it becomes sort of a virus that grows each day in your heart and will one day snap from its roots, making one loses ground.

Of course you shouldn’t keep taking shit from your friends either. Hey, if that happens, you shouldn’t even call him your friend. But if that person wants to explain and apologise, a friend should give him that opportunity before one decides to diss him or otherwise.

I’m not supposed to take sides here. But I think for one part, the person is totally ignorant of his choice of words and the other part, the person is not allowing any explanation as that choice of word was not the highlight of the issue, apparently. When you get angry, you start to keep to yourself in your own world and suddenly you realise that you’re not just angry at the issue at hand but many other unresolved issues which you’ve played in your head over and over again.

I’ve been in that situation before. Sometimes when you love a friend so much, you’d want to do anything for him/her, up to the point of protecting your friend. But sometimes, things are easily misconstrued. I mean, life is so fragile. People would hear what they want to hear, they’d read what they want to read. If one doesn’t ask what they actually mean, misunderstandings are inevitable.

A friendship is similar to a relationship too. When it has gone on way too long, one starts to lose touch whilst the other start to recount on what one has contributed in the friendship. There’s always two sides of a coin.

I guess when you think you’re hurting, you might never know that the other feels hurt even more. And if you have so many things you think the other party is insensitive about, the other party may have similar issues on insensitivity.

Well, I guess I may not be able to understand it truly because I am not like that. I let go things too easily amongst friends because I treasure them so much and good friends are hard to find. Even if I do get upset about something, it would probably last only for a maximum of 3 days. I just love my friends too much.

Well, I probably learnt this from a very good friend who told me before that one shouldn’t give up on friends. He has friends who did drugs, friends who have other priorities, friends who appears and be gone in a jiffy, and many more. But yet he didn’t give up on any of them because life is a cycle. You may be on top now but you may need friends to help you later. Not everyone will honour a friendship. One can be friends with you but only when things are okay. When you’re down, the same faces may not appear.

I believed him because I saw how tight the group has been. Even when I’ve sorta left the group after hooking up with the one, they’d still not forget me whenever there’s a group do or minor gathering. They’ve been there for me when I was alone and single, and they’re still there for me now even if I don’t hang out with them at all. Keeping a solid friendship doesn’t need to mean hanging out all day each day. Even poking your friend over at fb is good enough to know that you’re thinking about that person. All of us have things to do, commitment to fulfill and all… friends would understand. Especially if you’ve been through so much together, those memories are what holds a strong friendship.

But when it comes to words expressed, it may be a little complicated especially if one thinks it is taken out of context while the other does not give the opportunity for one to explain. Both parties would usually think they are on the right side.

Well, I guess if the friendship is that fragile, there’s no point in making each other’s life miserable, right? One should at least make the effort in contacting the other, while the other should tell straight to the face to f-off. Keeping quiet will not solve a problem since the person on the other end does not know where he/she stands. Honesty would be helpful.

I don’t know where I am getting at here and in the risk of getting misunderstood meself. So, here I’d like to make it clear that I’m not belittling either parties. I’m just penning my thoughts on friendship and let my friends know that I’m glad to have them all as friends… I have blogger friends, I have whom I call the taman tun clan, I have my ex-school/unimate selected friends, the one’s good friends who have been close to me, good friends of friends, but best of all, I have four ladies whom I call, my best friends… these four ladies even have a special ringtone on my cell. Who said we’ve never fought? We have… but it got us stronger to where we are now and even when things don't look too good, we always look at the positive side.

Apart from my family, I treasure my friends. You simply need friends in life. Yes, new ones are easy to find but for me, in this age and time where we are busy with our own stuff, solid friendship is not easy to maintain. Those I’ve known for years and I’m comfortable with are those that has remained the best. They know you, they understand you, and things you share are more on a personal level.

It’s alright if you don’t think you need one but it’s good to tell the other party what you feel so that both could close the chapter and move on. For one, it ain’t nice holding on to grudges and for another, the guilt for something unintentional doesn’t feel quite right. Everyone makes mistakes as to err is human (I am only referring to the unintentional mistakes, not those that are intentionally done over and over again). If one doesn’t tell his/her expectations, the other party would be in a spot as they’re usually oblivious. Even couples who are married for years could split when one starts to give up.

Seriously, I’m 2 days short of my 33rd birthday. Age is increasing and life is short. Hmmm… that sounds so familiar from a person I thought was a friend back then. I have no conclusion to this story. And I am tired already. And I’ve ran out of points.

In the end, things may be easier to mend if both people talk to each other, even if it will be the last conversation.


omegasupreme said...

A wise man once said that the actions speak far better than the words spent expressing the desire. It depends what ones interpretation of an important friendship means.

Like in the story, Great Expectations, Abel Magwitch, the convict was secretly the benefactor to Pip's success and career. Like Abel, I stand everyday to know the course of "BesBud" through his looms of thoughts and experiences on his blog. Occasionally dropping in calls and chatting on Google. Once and awhile, some short updates from his mother. And in so, his whereabouts, ups and downs, and life are like the paintings of Pip, enscribed the life that is so.

Thus from far, as always, the benefactor Abel helps and facillitates what he can. But unlike Abel, I am known to Pip; in this case "BesBud".

The care doesnt change. The concern fades not. The helping hand shall always be there to extend as always. Though as now the "Abel", that is thee has to live the fact that he shall always be only the benefactor. None personel, and to keep no abounds of emphathy. A persevering and dedicated benefactor to whom he wishes a life of animosity.

For as like the character Abel, he lives for himself now, and none shall be there to have his back but his faith. Isn'yt that not a sad truth?

Is that sad? Do we now term frendships as laughter and cheers, but what about the weeps and pains? Do we just talk about it, or do we set times, stage places and new memories like hooking up and do something totally out of this world like bungeeing to get the weeper to shed tears of serenity and joy?

Friends are abound, some are dear for reasons only they know alone. But the ones we keep deep in our hearts are the ones who have given that extra mile..

Agree or not?

And another, there are some, sometimes only one person in each of our lives that are our beacon of strength when we are down. The ones that pick you up when the tower of your esteem crumbles dust. This you hold dear too, but sometimes solace comes from strangers..

Then there are ones who have your back. The pillars of your life and though intrusive in nature..have your best intentions in mind. Sometimes support comes from strangers..

To give is always a virtue..and should never be motivated by expectations of a returned favour. I give in sincerity..I ask nothing in return. Nothings needs explanation. No friendship is lost..just the decision of the benefactor, me, to remain distant. And tis for the crime he himself has committed, though sincere, of wishing to be treated the same way..such vile crime of self greed I have commiitted indeed.......

toughcookie said...

you're making things sound more complicated than it is. in life, things are pretty simple... there's a problem, there's always a solution to a problem. it's people who makes things so complex that things look that way when it shouldn't. for example, your quote in this great story of all times. why do we need to compare our stories to another? everyone has their own stories to tell.